19 August 2008

Knocked out in accident.

Had a head injury a few days ago, knocked unconscious. Great. Besides all the medical stuff, the people who ran into me said I ran the stop sign. I say they ran into me, because the witness behind me on the road I was stopped on said I stopped and waited. The car that ran into me had enough speed to push an extended van that I was driving across 2 lanes, bounced me off a car in the turn lane, and gave me enough momentum to continue across two more lanes and into a tree. The report to the insurance said I ran a stop sign, hit a car, and kept going.
Now was it the other car told the cop told my work, or were they trying to make it look bad for me? Paranoia - yep. Hell, I was unconscious, should fail the UA. Haven't heard from them. Can't get my personal tools, either from them. Bastards.
Glad I started my own research for this. Gonna have to get everything together. Myself. Go to DA to drop ticket saying I didn't stop. Gonna even fight failure to yield because of limited sight distance (around 300 - 400 feet vs. min 40 mph - and I really believe that a LOT of people cruise faster than that...)

The scariest thing for me is that this is the longest I have blacked out. ANY excessively irrational episodes, horrible mania breaking down the short to long term memory function episode I have is only bits over the course of a few hours. This is complete loss, and even four days later sometimes I have to focus on the memory process. I sleep in cat naps, but then mania might set in, nervousness, anxiety - making me twitchy, tweakin', and being stupid and taking a hit or two of something to calm me down - wow. Never felt that way from that stuff. Stopped.
But then I get so anxious/depressed/uptight/lonely/excited - mixed state hell just up the road!!!! (and the road is really already going downhill....) wow. busted. trying to fit in.

And that's all I was doing, was just trying to fit in more with the group, the society, be good, do a good job, sleep regularly and correctly and consistently. Just regular sleep - with out the narcotics. 6 to 7 hours a night, going to bed in an 1-1/2 hour window. Fantastic. Really does help after about a month+ of that pattern.
But the narcotics? Man - sleep 11-12 hours, about 3-4 hour hangover. Had to be up about 2 hours before work to be together enough to get down the empty back-roads to work. Lost about 2 hours of effective work, made me look really bad in data entry positions. Horrible.
But this? More regulated than I normally am, no hangovers, no fog, no massive long sleeps, can still do a few things around the house even on the night that is "self medicating night".

Yes, my P-doc knows. Worries about the motivation in some people. Mentions that it is illegal. I thank the doc, mention I accept consequences, but this works better for me, and still give me some chance for regular sleep and improved maintenance. We go on... wonderful P-doc. Must be a tough position for her, but still accepts me.

Man - to think that the mellowest controlled substance lasts the longest in the system for the amount of 'benefit' from it's affects. Shit - alcohol's detection is a night to 1/2 a day gone, still possible effects past that. The hard stuff? out in days for less than an hour, a half hour, minutes? Halucenagenics are hours. Out in days. DAYS. <3 of them. The mellowest, most synergistic, easiest to moderate if you truely wish, lasts 10-100's times longer for length of effect than the others. YES, PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. Research - new, old, open and controlled periods of these substances. Hell, the more narcotic, intense, dangerously easy to OD ones are given as !#$&^ medicine!!!
Oh yea, Dow, the NY mag before Times, (NY Post?), and money to senators equals reduce then illegalize ANY variation of hemp. Cause you know (so the editorials said) that all them lazy mexicans slept in the afternoon cause of pot. Hmmm, now our doctors say that's not a bad idea. Hmmm, I guess EVERYONE who works outside and takes several breaks in the afternoon is a pot smoker. Damn, that's alot of people.

No wonder so much is messed up.
oh, I forgot, were humans....

And they want to screw with this moderately anti -establishment abouve ave., system using assinine pissed of manic person? Boss already has screwed up, employees have screwed up for a wonderful law-suit against them. 'nother one on the way, for they knew I was Bipolar. discrimnatory firing? Wouldn't have tried to make it look like it was exclusively my fault, have all the insurance companies calling me asking for my story of why I ran the stop sign. Harrasment? Never heard of ANYONE in work comp being called and asked why they did something wrong. First of all, it's no fault. Secondly, work should be the intermediary so the injured doesn't have to deal with it. I'm injured and have to work of CYA. Yep, screw them. Law suit.

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.