Went to church, and rand a few errands. Feel like a fool now for buying chips and dip when I have no money really. Should have bought eggs, bread, stuff like that. But no, thought chips might be nice tonight.
So depressed Im not eating, and getting cold and weak, tired from it.
Feeling so guilty because I feel so useless - even though I've kinda proved Im not. Need to get back to work. Better get more money for the test I hope to pass.
But I've not really been studying - or what I think is. A few hours here, a few hours there. Like now, blowing it off to tell you how crappy I feel about it. But that's just the start of the slide - it immediately leads into remember other guilt, feeling more guilt, then self-verbal abuse, self hate, and finally the lonely-but-leave-me-alone-no-wait!! Come back!!! feelings fighting the GO AWAY!!!! rational smarts.
Well, smart if you want those people to stay liking you, because who likes an irrational person??? No one!! Not even the lovers of women on PMS - if they can't handle that for a few days, how is the typical population going to handle weeks, months, even years??? (Sorry women, that's a memory from an old description of a female friend - that I am sometimes worse than a group of women on PMS. Nice all the way around, huh??)
Weak willed Fuckers - IVE had to learn!!!
Some of this could be the feeling of isolation I'm having near valentines day - the one I really want to be with I can and is sooooo far away!!! My son and I aren't connected as we could be, and Im sure that's mostly my fault, maybe all mine like so many say. I'm feeling like a looser for the work I have to take, that's not getting me much money after the travel and everything... and they guy just doesn't get it. Even hinted at it... but...
Gonna sulk. maybe post more on this after I eat. Oh yeah, that's another thing. Make sure we eat. Always in worse moods than when we do. BUT.... food doesn't FIX the mood, just lessens and slows down the depression descent...
Now back to study - LA LA LA.... Animal Crackers on Acid!!!
Hope, Blessings and Prayers of Peace,