that is one of the things I kinda feel bad about... I asked our "session" for a loan for a while just too many bills hitting with utilities, taxes.  My parents even sent me about 500 this month, and the only real splurges have been junk food. - paid bills and rent

"so why do you feel bad"

Ooopppss. Session is the group of elders that discuss church decisions.  i feel bad because I had to borrow from my church. It (Church) is for me to give to people - people who are showing me love and acceptance, and to show others kindness who need it, to help others when they need it

i emotionaly kill myself when my parents help me, because I need it. It killed me more to ask church

when you need it there is nothing wrong with asking for help!!!!!!
do you mind helping others when you can?

no... nothing wrong in asking.  i know, i know. i've been raised by parents to be more independent, and being an only child, no friends growing up to really hang out with (or even to just communicate with), difficulty communicating, thinking faster than typical... All led me to depend and only count on myself... The mania activity levels have a lot to do with it too.

So loved ones, it is not so much a refusal of help, but a pattern to not expect it or depent on it, because (esp. with me) we feel we seldom get assistance.  A lot of times all of the fear, the ignorance, and the rejection by many others, sometimes EVERYONE that given day, just leads one to expect it to be normal
 
And seldom asks... and is afraid and feels guilty for failing when we do...