30 August 2006

Bloddy Little Lines

I'm thinking of Jackles "Dirty Little Lies" song, and fitting the words "Bloody Little Lines, Bloody Little Lines" - and here's why:
I want to cut myself. Very, very badly. Not because I like the pain, but what it does for me. It brings relief, lets the pressure out, and helps to refocus on things in my immediate environs, while there is a quelling of the irrational mind that has become it's own self-feeding demon.

When I feel the pressure of the blade, it starts to balance the pressure I feel inside. When the pain of the cut comes, there is a release of the pressure, a relief from the pressure, plus a bonus, if I am lucky. Sometimes the pain can kick up the faint embers of the dying mania which led to this depression, and I can stoke them a bit higher in an attempt to climb out of this hell hole. [Sung to tune of Spinal Tap's "Hell Hole" with the 6" Stonehenge monument :-).]
Watching the blood ooze out and sometimes trickle down makes me think of how the evil stuff in me is finally leaving - the guilt, hurt, depression, anger, paranoia - and an empty shell remains. This empty shell I hope to fill up with positive things, but sometimes I am just in a haze, a fog of unreality and disasociation such that I am on automatic pilot, not understanding fully the events that occur around me. Yes, I am less intelectual and capable, my memory is chaotic, but it is still much better than it was.
And perhaps the real pain can overcome the fake pain, leaving a hole that is empty, but not alone, filling with what I want, eventually coming around to a more clear state than I was moments ago.


  1. I'm not a "cutter", I'm more of a "deep scratcher", does that make sense? So in a way, I do understand, just not at that deep of a level.

    I think a med change or increase might help those thoughts...it has for me, anyway. If my emotions aren't so intense, then I don't feel like physical pain will give me a relief from the emotional pain I feel at the moment?

    I'm definitely not an expert in this area, as I've never told a therapist, and I don't *think* I've told my pdoc. I never thought there was much to tell. I just know it's VERY serious - and something you should tell your doctor.

    I'm so very sorry you're in so much turmoil right now....

  2. I wanted to say that I'm sorry too... and maybe there's a lot more that I wish I could say but words are escaping me at the moment... Yet, I do understand some of it and I admire your courage in speaking your words aloud.


Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.