01 September 2006

Last night mania

It's kind of thought to write now - I am in a tweeked state from lack of sleep. My mind is in an unfocused fog - to think I used to live regularly off of 4-ish hours of sleep each day is now a thought concept to remember. I understand why, especially when this was a regular thing, it seemed like I had ADD with some form of dementia.
The memory really goes with lack of sleep, causing forgetfulness from where my keys are to what step am I on. Add that to a high speed thinking of many different trains of thought, and I start to see why so many of them are "jumping the tracks". I am right now fighting with what's on TV, random memories and thoughts going through my head, all tinged with leftover poignant sadness from the previous depression.
We really do need our sleep - the haze is so obnoxious. I used to be able to at least think! It's hard right now to decide if med's are good or not. But if I can get myself back onto a schedule, perhaps this mixed state will be over. It really sucks to have all of the symptoms of hypo-mania except for the one I REALLY need right now - Positive Attitude.
luckily, I have today off. I might take a nap, and then perhaps I can get back on track again tonight. I hope so. The extra help I used last night besides my meds didn't really help, but there was a LOT of stress going on for me, anyway. (yet I still procrastinate!)
I want to let you know what's in my head, but there really isn't anything. Just empty, which, sometimes in the past, it was. Staring out of this skull, I feel like I am part of this void in my skull - a numbness, a loss of the sense of self. Sometimes emptiness is the better policy...

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.