11 September 2006


Many times, I get a bit impulsive about aquiring alternate consciousness, and feel guilty afterwards. It matters not what it is, I just have the desire to be in a different state.

I am not bad with it, I believe it's fairly moderate, I just get into these cycles of wanting to "Not be in this reality" - which usually means a bit of numbing or increased euphoria on occasion. Even thought, in actuall amount it is small ($20-30) every two weeks, I end up feeling guilty.

This guilt then leads to other memories of guilt, which put me into quite a melencholly mood - a mostly cloudy day, one that is cooler than it could be. This state is so gentle I can usually stop it tumbling into a deeper depression (the "I can't get out of bed kind"), however, it affects the whole day. My appearance or actions with it seeme to cause others to think something is wrong. Well, it is, too a point. But it's a point that isn't that bad, relatively, for me. So I respond "Nothing, really" - there is really no ONE thing wrong, nor is it a bad feeling, just another down cycle. Being so used to having periods of general melencholly with short bursts of mania, I am used to it. I tend to forget others are not used to being in minor down states regurlarly, so I don't always understand the point behind the question. Nor do I know how to answer - I've given a true answer for myself, but others percieve it differently. Then the "walk on egg-shells" tactics can occur, causing added stress to me especially if someone keeps insisting something is wrong. This leads into poosible communication difficulties, which in the past, I believe have had major negative impacts on how others saw my job performance. All this, in conjunction with the difficulties of making or keeping friends can make me feel even more down.
A vicious cycle - guilt into paranoia of actions into guilt when I find out actions are not what I meant or taken wrong into paranoia for job and relationship reactions.
I haven't really known what to do yet for this, except live with the familiarity of paranoia, which at least is a constant that I can adapt to - as uncool as it is, at least it is a constant that I can relate to now, and try to certain degrees to back up a bit and be more rational - the familiarity at least gives me that benefit.
Now to apply that technique to the other extreme emotions I feel, and I might, just might, be accepted enough by this society that I have volunteered to remain with.
What a lovely pipe dream....

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.