27 December 2006

Really don't know what to say or how I am feeling. Lots of stuff going on, that I'm trying to straighten out for myself. So many lost, confused emotions hanging on at the edge of awareness. So many joys and pains from Christmas. So much disappointment in myself for being weak and not having the will to be what I want and try and reach for things. But then, reaching, I could loose what little I do have for joy... I know, set it free, take a chance, loosing is better than never having... I know, all those little lies we tell people to feel better when they do loose. And since I always loose.... (statistical fact that I have recorded data for - remember, I AM a geek and nerd).

Huh, here I am whining. Suck it up soldier, deal with it, and move on!" as my Drill would say.

Too many days with no food. Didn't have enough money to do bills, cover one room mates, and be able to, for the first time in 3 years, get some gifts for my child. So I have nothing but a bit of candy and nuts for a few days. But I know that my protein levels suck, and I'm sure it's hurting my neurotransmitter levels even more - must be one of the reasons I am fighting the desire to stab and cut myself with sharp instruments. Or my dark humor about pain and death.

Or maybe the knowledge that I am nothing but a lonely old man who wants to help and love others but apparently doesn't know how to, according to others. Or do it properly - or whatever. So I guess I can never pass on my 2000 ways of doing something wrong, so someone else can be Mr. Edison and find the one right way that works for them.

Lonely. Alone. Old. Won't even have any cats that will be willing to deal with me, either, I bet.

Sorry. I know, suck it up soldier! Am I bleeding? No!!! Then I don't hurt, do I sarge? Move on, move on! Be a go at this station, ignore the feelings, do the job, keep moving, keep moving!

1 comment:

  1. I'm truly sorry you feel this way. Wish I could say something that would help you somehow.

    All I can do is to tell you that understanding what God is all about could help you. But you need to want to know about him. And I know many people don't.

    Yet, the amazing thing is, when they DO decide to go looking for Him, they knock on the door and He opens it. And their lives change dramatically. It happened to me.

    If my getting religious here bothers you, I'm sorry. It's just that I care and would like to help.


Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.