Yesterday was bad. Spent a lot of time obsessing about both cutting myself and harming myself in other ways. I took scissors, and left them shut, but ran them hard across the wrists to feel the sensation. I obsessed on the adrenaline and endorphines that would rush out to my rescue. I relished the sensation of warm liquid flowing out of my body, taking with it the pain and pressure that I was feeling.
I shook yesterday. I lost my final control of the drill instructor voice in my head. I laughed "insanely" as a coworker put it, the sound of me seeing my demon burst through and not trying to become catatonic with fear. STRENGTH OF WILL! is required - I must force him back. Imagining so many different scenarios at home - rocking and talking to non existent people (I knew they weren't there, just imagining for distraction). Trying to read. Trying self medication. Trying to finally force myself to eat properly after 4 days of left over Christmas Candy due to no food. Forcing the nutrients past the almost anorexic wall in front of my mouth, swallowing each bite with a sip of water to help overcome the gag reflex I was experiencing.
What a rough MF of a day.
It's sucked up, drill sarge. I'm dealing (or trying)... and I'll move on, because that's all I have. Moving on - "Keep on keepin' on" - cause if you don't, then stagnation, and no chance for change shall survive. Must destroy the old habits. Must destroy the bad thoughts, and go west into the burning sun!!!!