04 January 2007

"So, why are you REALLY scared by going out"

This was a question asked me by someone who knows my diagnoses, (she is Army and in Mental Health field and a nice co-worker, so I told her). I tried to explain, but was interrupted, and felt talked over. So I never really finished, and became introverted. But the contemplation gave me a chance to come up with something close.

I end up feeling more isolated and more alone around people. There are times when I know I am made fun of, when people look at me oddly, when I act socially incorrect, and in the end put down by those I am trying to connect with. This feeling and actions occur most of the time - significant portion of the time - say about 90%. It is only with a few that I can feel free, and then I am not always sure how to act, if I can truly be myself, or if I am being true to self. This insecurity leads to enhancing the feelings of being ostracize that I directly experience, leading to feeling completely alone.
Have you ever been truly alone? By yourself, with no one else around? (No, I do not mean any beings that can not be directly experienced - none have ever done that for 20 years, so they aren't around for me at least.) There is no one to see, feel, hear you or for you to experience. There is no validation of self to self within the rational place of your mind. No one for you to have any sensory input - it does not allow for the irrational to find balance and peace because of the confusion and anxiety in your head leading to and enhancing the irrational, creating the paranoia, anger, and near agoraphobic levels of the mood.
So without friends, or those that I feel can become friends, and the lack of self validation from others being around me, I become scared of my abilities due to my past failures (natural). I then get scared of potential mistakes because I know I can't do everything - not enough skills or time to learn - and there seems to be no one to help. So this leads directly to the paranoia with all but myself, for in the end, I can only count on myself being around and helping me.

Maybe not so much a paranoia as a regret of the social facade, the hypocrisy of conforming in a culture of "individualism until interference with other's rights" when I have so much to offer in different views and understandings, and the inconsistencies of humanity...
Could be the deep, partially admitted knowledge that I am just as much of a hypocrite with my own personal biased based bigotries against such groups that perpetuate the above.


  1. I think I told you before, I used to have social anxiety as well. But it IS possible to get over - a bit at a time. I'm now 60 and almost a social butterfly. Though, I must confess, I still get shy in groups of people I don't know.

    My church friends have helped a lot, as has my belief in God. The answer is love: love for God, love for others, and love for yourself.

    May sound trite, but love (a spiritual kind of love) can do wonders.

  2. hi, I was confronted with the same question a while ago, and I felt the same way.. so I didn't answer. I am bipolar with multiple personality, and I say thank you for creating this blog.


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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.