Alone again...

I have just been thinking about my past, and things I have done which caused me to loose or almost loose people who care for me.
The one I'm thinking about a lot is one that I believe was the perfect one. That person cared for me a lot - I mean A LOT, and I did some things that just hurt her too deeply. But she still hangs around - somewhat. She occasionally talks to me, we have spent time together, but lately it has been dealing with her loss of a love. That hurts, but at the same time, it makes me feel good that she still thinks about how I can help her when she hurts so much. But it still reminds me of what I did to her... and she has mostly forgiven me.

Why can't I be good to those I love? These impulses; the fixations with 'pushing the edge'; my occasional lack of understanding social norms and parameters that are in place, but make no rational sense to me; why is it that I allow that to happen? I know it's going to cause problems, some which may take years to fully overcome and recover from... but like some idiot, I still do it.

I wish I could stop causing pain - any way, any how. But that's another trap for us, isn't it? The path down the steep, grease covered marble slide into the depths of personal hell where we find the rational to cause pain to ourselves... which starts the whole cycle of causing pain to the ones we love all over again...

Wish I could find someone, anyone, to accept me fully the way I am, to understand, to help, to hold me, to cuddle when we go to sleep, to spend time with, play games with, take walks in museums with, to comfort me when in emotional pain, to sympathise when I am in physical pain from, and someone who would love for me to do the same for and to them...

Back rubs
Rubbing the hair
Gentle touches
Light kisses
Long hugs
Longing looks

just sitting near them, knowing they are there, making me feel real and part of this common reality, as opposed to floating out there in deep space, 13.5 (give or take, Mr. Hubble) billion light years away in the cold, dark, near absolute zero of 'invisible human' hell...