05 February 2007

I'm am so tired of cold weather now. The arthritis, the cold air at work for the first few hours while the boilers warm up, the feelings of lethargy. It puts me in a down mood, and things get interpreted in a less positive light.
I feel like I don't do enough, but I don't always find the motivation. But when I do accomplish things, it is a feeling of "I should have done it anyway", and there isn't always a sense of success attached to it. Makes it hard to do things.
When in this mood, too, it makes it hard to want to visit my child. Not because I don't want to, but I'm afraid I will become bored more easily since I am not at home, and the tension I place upon myself at my ex-wife's home (out of respect for her and their beliefs, which are not quite my own in all cases) and make me overly grumpy, or in the least, make my child less happy to have me over. Then with his special needs, it makes it even harder, and any time he can give me IS so special.

Then this thing at work. I am quite sure someone here doesn't really like me, and they are in a position above me in my chain of command. I would have thought there might be some connection since her child has Asperger's also, but there doesn't seem to be. It seems she wants to block my training, to always look over my sholder (sometimes making verbal 'harumphs' and exhaling of breath as she walks by), and in general seems to give me these 'what is it now' looks when I go to ask for help or find out what project to work on next if the main project is finished or in a 'hold' status. I just don't know what to really do yet, except keep it in the back of my head, remember that she is watching me to mess up (yes, paranoia but it can be helpfull). If it seems to be going on, then I'll just have to comment to a higher ranking supervisor. Sucks, but after one job where the boss started watching me all the time and treating my like his 12 year old (or at least taking it out on me), I am NEVER going to deal with it again!

Then all of the distracted mixed state thoughts on top of everything else today... too sensualy oriented today...

Ah crap. Just another confussing day for me in my seemingly endless parade of confusing social interactions!

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.