19 February 2007

Lots of Interesting Things From This Weekend

Two Interesting Autism reports from the CDC:

CDC Releases New Data on Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASDs) from Multiple Communities in the United States

A Report from the Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring (ADDM) Network

Started writing Prose again, may post some of it. Kinda late night scatter brained free verse.

I was sick this weekend, and felt guilty about it too. I was supposed to hang out with my child for a while on Saturday, but didn't. Between a week long head cold that led into violent nausea, my ex and I thought it best not to. But I still felt bad - when I thought about it. Mostly was sleeping or trying to be productive when awake - but even doing a load of laundry was a lot of mental and physical energy.
Even though I knew this was probably for the best, I felt bad and guilty. It was hard to get over. It will be at least a week before we can hang out again, and it may not be for long. I feel guilty and wanted to spend time, but at the same time I didn't - it was hard work being in a state to be with someone. Holding down water , a few bites, 2 sips of coffee in 3 hours was hard in itself.
So was it real? Was I creating a fake emotion over my child? There was this weirdness with the guilt over how the illness (and how bad) was truly experienced vs. perceptions of my reality and emotional state of dealing with things. I mean, yes, I was sick, I did throw up - I had just gotten over one of the worse head colds I remember in years (about 2-3 a year from bad allergic reactions to dust, mold, pollen) but shouldn't I have spent some time with my kid? I know, for his long term health it is better, but I know we miss each other.

Maybe I'm just expressing my eternal loneliness that I have created for myself in another way. I've done things for so long, some so bad, I don't think I will ever recover from the damage I've done, no matter how hard I work on the change in myself and recovering from the past.

Be careful! You own ALL of your actions, no matter what the level of irrationality you are at... When you are stable, please, think of your actions and consequences, and plan for easy recovery from such actions, so you won't experience this long term loneliness as I do.

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.