23 February 2007

Mania and Paranoia

Mania and Paranoia. Wonderful combination! It causes so much drive to stay awake and accomplish something, ANYTHING, but the mind races so fast, changes patterns, acquires new thoughts, and the tired feeling that you were trying to bring on, leaves. Even with the extra meds. for mania. Can't take too much, I've learned that makes me oversleep. No hangover, but I sleep for hours past my alarm. After 3 times of being late, I keep it at the low dose.
So no help there. No help from the umpteenth time of reorganizing items, lists, and ideas. Wanting to sleep, but afraid to put things off. Afraid of missing things. Just afraid sometimes!

(I've finally had a chance to get to the net and finish this....)

I have finally gotten to a more acceptable sleeping pattern, being less paranoid , and hoping my mistake doesn't cause me problems on Thursday (I'm going to be without Depakote for a day because of some reorder errors I did, and I have to cut myself down to 3 pills from 4 [1500 vs 2000 mg per day]).
But I feel less on edge today, which is GREAT! The tension, the mis-perceptions, over reactions to feelings of being mis-represented or treated differently, increased feelings of people not liking me, the increased tension of fighting rising tension... Watch out! Bad spiraling cycles of semi-random rough and smooth patterns of the shell holding me in, restraining me, building up the pressure and intensity till I need, till I MUST, explode. But how? How to keep it in line? Meds that keep me sleeping in hours late or zombified at work? Or a quick shot or two of my favorite tasting posion? Do I over analyze my decisions for paranoid influenced impulsiveness? Go with the flow?

I know, my mind works too much, too quickly, too spasticly. But then life would be boring!

Peace to all.


1 comment:

  1. Ohhhhh...I absolutely hate that feeling. And being over-medicated just so you can fall asleep because of your racing mind is a living hell! Being paranoid, all of it. THAT kind of mania is usually the kind *I* get, too. Never the "fun" kind. :-)

    I hope you get back to normal soon, Wolvie...


Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.