Yesterday, while at work, I started thinking of my German Grandmother. How crappy I was, how I could have communicated more, how I feel for her now, how a letter I kept "forgetting" in my stupid short-term memory way, and it got to her apt. the day she died (my mom was there, and it showed up that day). Of course, this lead to guilt. One born of sadness, lonliness, stress, and regret. Deepening the guilt even further as I thought on these feelings.
I did try to break the cycle as soon as these thoughts started. I knew where it could go, especially under the current physical stress I am, along with 2 other things that will be a while before I can have them resolved (court for child and room-mates leaving me in a lurch - owing me several hundreds $ in late fees and utility bills I have covered).
I failed. It's a crappy cycle. This leads into regretting my actions, and how I don't always resolve them the way I want. I try to take responsibility, and properly follow through and do what I feel is right, but I also feel that I could always, and should always, do better than I seem to do. So I hate myself for the failures. This leads into hating myself, but I know part of it is just programed into my chemistry. Why do I have this shitty chemistry? If it is a result of this permanent problem, and I fail as far as I am concerned, myself and others all the time. Why keep doing this? Skills and meds don't make it perfect, I still live in a world with dual standards towards me (act this way crazy people to be in society, but we won't necessarily act the same way towards you, and freak out when you get upset about it). Anyway, it feels that way after these 4+ decades.
So if I am, and do, and will always be and do, then what can I do to change? Commit suicide, of course. Now aint' this a sucky way to end these thoughts? I am such crap in this world that the only good I can see myself doing is ending the pain? Yes, there would be pain to some from the short term loss...but...in the long term, they have less of my crap. May even end up hating me enough to forget me - or maybe just be nice enough to themselves to forget straight away.
Then other things happen, other people add more on me, don't understand, don't seem to care, and once again, I am alone - both in others relating to me, and in my own head.
Can't these f&$@*ng racing thoughts stop ??!!?!?!?!?!!?