19 July 2008

Appathetic Suicidal Tendencies

A few days ago, working as a Gardner/Landscape Tech in this heat, I decided I wanted a pop. I mean, all I wanted was a simple drink of soda to cut the edge off the thirst. But they told me I was crazy... the people whose institutions, schools, social teachings, doctors I went to and followed...I'm crazy? (a paraphrased ode to Suicidal Tendencies)

I had been in a weird cycle lately, sort of a low energy version of cycling. I think my job, with the fact that eating very much in this heat kills my functionality, is part of it. Sometimes I only get about 1/2 to 3/4 a gallon of water in me during the day, and that has to be part of it. I think also, though, that I am tired of being lonely. Sometimes, even with a lot of people, I am still alone when they are around. Just feeling so unconnected.
Then I talk to the one I should have kept, but let my illness control my life in really fucked up ways. So I lost everything that I needed, wanted, and burned my happiness till nothing but a soft, ash-covered oily lump of clay remained. A piece of tar vibrating with the evil that has been concentrated in it, evil that I must continue living with. The lack of forgiveness, the massive guilt that I must always live with. How can I forgive myself for weakness with these demons? I must hold them in, or I cause wrongful pain to be created, problems to arise, destruction to ensue.

Once again, I found myself rationalizing, accepting, and looking for death. A way to end the pain I cause. A way to end the destruction and evil created by the mere act of my existance with the rest of reality. A way to end the struggle, exhaustion I feel and the screaming I hear. I had been hearing the voices, going from their whispering into shou8ts, like now. Driving me crazy, making it hard to focus, pressure in my head.

... >I want to try drilling a hole to let the pressure out. I want to
... >cut my arms & legs to let the evil ooze out. Release the
... >itchy-tinglies that form inside, forcing me into actions I don't
... >want to do. Maybe the small cuts letting in disease to give
... > my body an extra distraction will work. Or maybe the
... >extra oxygen it needs. I rationally know the low to no
... >probability of success with these, but I feel the
... >drive, the force in my body and head to do this. I hear the
... >suppressed, poor reception and staticy voices of those
... >Gods of Hell
... > screaming at me to harm someone.
I can't hurt anyone else- against my Moral of Free Will.

But that still leaves me !!!!!!!!!!!

So must hurt myself. I must. That is the only option allowed. How else do I kill what is a part of me? Must cut it out!!! Mitar saw my arm off, go into shock, bleed to death. Should do some shrooms, X, Rock, Smack myself around, the go saw and fall to the ground. Pool of crimson ever so expanding, like the euphoria in my mind telling me I'm seeing my life flash, seeing the light, and talking to your God. (yep, and he will be laughing, adding more snakes to the grass and putting another 18 year old on life support.) Just kill me quick. Bullet to the head, permanent sleep, O.D., happy trippy basket out of hell. Hey, in life everything was going there in a handbasket. Why not out in death? Oh happy, deep, long sleep. All over. Peace and quiet. No worries, truely. For real.


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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.