Once again I am very afraid that I overdid some stuff - being too open, getting to manic, showing too much of the nuclear fire. Things said in joy, as compliments, may have been taken wrong. I hope not, I tried so hard. It was so important.
But the aprehension, the fear, at once again loosing some connections that I consider VERY important, I may have accidently chased away, not on purpose, believe me!
I wish I could get over this. So many reasons, so many things that go differently than I think - diferently than I feel. [I can even know intelectually how wrong this is] but the feeling makes me know that it's the truth. One reason I am so strict and hard and desperate at understanding the connections and seperations of these two things. Why I can't just allow myself to believe. Because my belief can be so MOTHER FUCKIN WRONG about what is happening and why... How I can actively see part of my brain would, in denial, make me believe as truth if it were not for my ability to analize the lack of logicical processing of known facts, patterns, and experiences of the "most probables"...
I feel that sinking yet again. The claws of isolation pulling me deep into their hole, masticating on my burnt happiness as they rip it out and burn it in the pasion which origionally created the happines.
Training me yet once again, I can trust no one, nothing, but myself.
The only constant I can count on is my own constantly confused, tormented, depressed,
hyperly bored, overly philosophical and cynical mind churning in a sea of guilty, self pittying fear.