Once again, there was an offer of help with no response - the running away when I really get down to what's bothering me - the twisted head space, the lack of understanding, the acceptance of "that's the way it is" despite my belief of will-power overcoming with the typical military "if you ain't bleeding, you aint hurt" attitude.

Reminds me of one of the "Night of the Living Dead" series. There is a scene where two grave diggers are in a church with 2 women. Outside are zombies, these guys just become one. Girlfriend is holding boy, saying how cold, love, no matter what, die together, blah, blah, lies and more. He spasms, says only brains help, starts chasing. Instead of trying to get him outside to eat other zombies or assholes, just runs and kills. no run and contain, try to help, - not quite the same, but almost feels like i've been ostracized that much.

But in another way, that does hold a sliver of truth - my inner soul [coming from an Athiest] - my ID - that part of the self that is the personification of beliefs, experiences, and understanding. The soul - the heart - the history book of your mind, perpetuated subjectively based upon environment, genetics, and types of experiences. That is where it feels like the desire to consume that same igmatic aspect in another to make myself better. Against my beliefs - the ones that I have thought out. The few that get as much passion that a collapsing neutron star in a heavy magnetic field would give - that infathonable amount of energy that creates radio waves such size that light takes hours, days, and if I remember, some energy form from supermassive collapses can have extended months or years or so?????? to lazy and manic to look up. oh damn it all, obssessive!!!!
okay, correct order of magnitude is on that of months to years. Crab nebula's radius is 11 light years, and is powered by a rotating neutron star and even is causing it to expand. Okay, I feel better.

Spent money. Feel better, euphoric early presents fer me! yea. time to buy to start feeding and gifting others on the days they feel one must. Special days, we'll celebrate, but not everyday! geeze, there really are WAY too many Pew Parkers!

Done ranting, need to rave. Make others feel better, try to show what I'm really all about. The fight for peace and inner balance.

Next post - 10% of 10%