23 December 2009

It's here, I think. No, over there. What was I talking about?

Good morning sunshine, my brain is alive!  ive taken nothing, and it's full of jive......

This year, Christmas is a bit easier.  Not all this running around.  Not all of this "I don't have money" (well, i did waste a few hundred dollars this past month or so, but  think i;ll recover).  I set aside bill and Christmas money.
"OH, what a good dad you are.  Buying things in this economy".  All the other years, when I could afford less because i wasn't lucky or lost jobs because of my disorder, I wasn't a good father.  Got looked down on.  Now I see suits pulling out several dollars in silver and copper....  NOW they understand the frustration, the guilt, the sadness.  The sense of self failure one gets to hear every year.
"Oh, we'll give you Therapy, but it will cost...!!  (money and/or dignity) Oh, and we'll forget about it and put you down for needing our help by saying your a sucky dad because you don't have money."
        Didn't ask if I was keeping family out of debt like THEY weren't...."

oh - just a quick aside.... another perspective on Chaos theory (looking at it from a more epistimological angle) is that:  By constantly changing, change is constant...  My own personal saying, as far as I know.  I don't remember anyone else saying it first.  So if you recognize it from the mid-90's or so, you prob. know who i am........

With the lack of so many visits, so much going on around me, i've felt okay.  I've been hiding in my room, though.  Made a little area - T.V., music over computer, blogs, research, Mafia Wars, bookcase beside me,
window for daylight right here.  Everything a manic depressive would need to feel safe, happier, and not truely alone, but more in controll of my environment.  Im wondering if this is a bit of "I've finally gotten wise a bit" and I am trying to defeat what happens emotionally to a degree.  Also, buying small cheap gifts throughout the year is awesomely helpfull, too....

Now, let me get my notes for the blog today.... okay, im back, but without them.  was playing on mafia wars, thinking about a presentation on over-winter 'gardening'.  Unfortunately, the age group and sex (not to be sexist, but 65+ women are relativly much more worn out back wise than men, in general, with the type of activity this requires in AHS plant zones 4B-8A (small microclime).  uh, oh.  gettin diatactic!  why the hell didn't someone yell at me?  why the hell do i do this like you here??? perhaps way i learn - multiple "selves" that are paragons of certain qualities/combinations and that ideal helps me focus.  Part of why, I think, I synthesize better than most.  Not so much the intellect aspects, but I already have the habit, the ground work from when I was a kid.  Im just glad I knew they were me - holly shit, is that what psychosis is?  loosing the ID - so these voices are no longer seen as you, but in you.  allowing you demons to TRUELY take form....
wow, i love my deviations some times.

Oh-kay, back to them notes....
again, back to the notes... Finally... hours later.... coffee to blast me awake, sleep meds to mellow me, juice to keep the throat quenched..... okay, here we go!

Wolvie150 (19:48)
went to 'duran duran' station instead. listening to "fascination" by the human league. i liked them alot

Wolvie150 ‎(19:50):
     i was kinda a techno new wave freak while i was a punker too
     i think you are a little bit of everything!!!

Wolvie150 ‎(19:50):
     both manic, i guess. one up, one aggressive  {I was talking about the two genre's of music here}

Wolvie150 ‎(19:51):
     be agressive, b e aggressive!
     yep. that's what smart bipolar does.
     ah, yet once again... gota do other blog and then this blog.....

Well, that was the general idea.  How the extremes of music were satisfying me.  I guess i've just been on this "Autism Spectrum" kick lately.  I just find it interesting how the music not only fits the mood, can assist in creating the mood, can show the conflicting patterns in the head.  The search for balance, the understanding of living at extremes, the balance must be in the proportional mixes of the extremes to balance out the needs of the monent - shifting, fluctuating, changing chords, rythym, key, even signiture of th music.  But the lyrics are still the same - the overall expressed moods - the needs, the wants.
The controlled, the free.  The regulated, formulated, safe... the primal, randome, fearful... both sides, the black and white, and mantra and tantra, the existance of chaos within order.

By constantly changing, change is constant....  peanut butter time!!!

Peace all, another picture, a bit more game, a bit more project, then short nap.  Oh, weather - got plant place stuff going on!
These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.