Sometimes, this feels like a chore. The power went out for a few hours here... I was sitting and listening, thing about how things weren't so bad this year. then the mellencholly hit.
Some of it I understand. (damn, had to turn off that hot ass floor heater. heh, heh, he said hot ass says bevis...)
have to work on plant talk, garden
but back to the point at hand. I think part of the mellencholy and disapointment for me is a mix of both. Well, since I seem to be some weird mix of Bipolar/BPD, perhaps that's not unusual. It does give me the bonus of being able to see both sides, perhaps.
With mania, you seem happy. You are - everything is positive. You don't read discomfort, you blurt things out, maybe act drunk or get drunk. Afterwards, there is a sense of embaressement to the point of feeling guilty and apprehensive. This cycles regularly for several months - hours to days. hmmm, maybe it is BPD. but of course, i forgot this whole week to call my p-doc to get an apointment for the one i missed. great. And they are SOOOO used to it. poor people.
Even if it IS for weeks to months, later, you feel bad. over the course of years, especially as an awkward teenager, you just start to feel more and more isolated. Then you stress to the point of where you have to leave the table for about 45 minutes at the dinner of your most favorite organization. Man, gonna have to overcome that for the talk... what to think about? Sucks.
Depression - well, do we want to talk inadequacy? Guilt and sense of failure due to materialistic and capitalistic pressures? Perhaps even fear of performing correctly in front of people? To fake feeling involved, when you feel like a leper - wanting to be a part, but so used to being ostracized that you scream silently in you heart for someone to come save you from the lonliness, but you want no one there.
Who can understand all of this? Not I. Understand some patterns, motivations, reactions, true. In fact, that is THE ONLY reason for psychiatrist/neurologist and psychologists. Help in understanding, halting, changing, and recognizing those patterns. Moderating, NOT mellowing..
It's christmas time yet again. i just want to hide at home. i just want to cry right now - for me, my kid, for all of us, for my friends and what they put up with from me, with how i have to sometimes explode because i wait to long with tryin to chill from the obsessiveness i feel...
i just don't know. not even what the mother funking parameters are of the motivation to even worry about what the questions might be if they are even relevant to anything at all....