The other night I ran into a possible insight into autism. It comes from a combination of personal, talking to others and reading.
I really wanted to save the notes on it, but of course I was talking in an I.M. window, and shut it before I thought about copying the notes (by hand actually. I don't know about all of them, but at least this night this one didn't want to co-operate. So I had pen n paper ready, and immediately forgot.)
Then today was kinda hectic, and very manic. Did not accomplish much at all except growling.
Yes, I know Im not Autistic. But I do have a sense where, to a small degree, I do become disasociated from society, from people. The apprehension, concern, strategic focus on escape, isolation, can all build up. One night, there was an overload of emotion, and my mind stalled. It was like playing the same film over and over in my head, but it wouldn't come out. Period. There was a gap I noticed, but it stayed on the edge ofmy (of my) periphrial vision, no matter where I looked. A move (movie) that would play out clearly, then fade to wite (white) when it ws (was) time o(to) present it to te world, ending in the movie showing sucessful disimintaion. but not how it was recieved. {getting massively tired. this may get edited a bit} {oh crap, still got to do the real predistination talk and the fear of the mind}
I couldn't get it out. But a song was playing - AC?DC (Duh-uh, AC/DC, of course). I started head-banging, then my whole body was rocking. And rocking, and rocking, to be followed witn an explosion of words upon the page. Of understanding how to get it out, of being able to at least show what I was thinking. That started me doing that thinkin thing again, huting (hurting) myself even more with the preasure. Maybwe (Maybe) that's the point behind the music, is the rythm. Being able to break your internal broken cycle by having a recocnizable pattern outside yourself. There is some psychological/physical connection betwen the two, allowing you to force a pattern, slow the internal spasms, and then start to figgure out what patterns and things you have learned or used before to better understand what you are thinking and feeling now.
It's definately NOT the inside with them... It's getting it out consistantly and in dlightly (slightly) less aware problem spot.
Wolvie150
