This results from a discussion with some friends. This waxes much more philosophically, but I believe it is important to understanding some of my mentality. This forms the basis for some of the rationalization of suicidal thoughts, as well as adding to the problems of beliefe in what I cant confirm with emperical information that tends towards objectivity, the habits of thought I must have to stay more rational, and why I can't accept an unknown to explain an unknown.
Further comments and develoment needed later.
(man, there goes that room mate again, blaring computer (I'm so international, I went to india to bike and learning their language. So i can go there again. Big deal - wann talk foreign countries??? you're behind, mr. im so smart - and ur not going to see how you used to berate and attempt to belittle my cultural knowledge - know you're acting like you know more with just ONE country under you belt??? RIGHT you fucking I ate over 30 meals worth of food in a year with out paying back as well as ruin a food processor an expensive specialist tools...) {yes, ive become fairly irritated with him and the level of laziness which causes him to believe everything is his to do what he wants to with cause he's too lazy to go buy even food on the way home from work}
This talk will have to assume these following concepts: There is the BASIC Christian God - Omniscent, Omnipresent, All Powerfull. Christ is spiritually God and physically Man. Two Commandments now exist (hey - you're CHRISTIAN and that means NEW TESTAMENT): Love your brother as yourself, and have no other God than my Father. There is potentially the coralary of "You can't get into Heaven except through me" - belief in the fact that Christ is the Final Sacrafice, and you don't need to do anything (as far as performing complex sacraficial ceramonies).
Given that, there is the understanding that God will help you. (that social-psychological metaphysical talk is for another time, of course.) That even though the 'road' may be tough, the 'driver' knows the smoothest path. Footprints in the Sand and all of that. One can take this concept and develope it further to a point where support is complete. If I ask for help, and things seem the same, that means one of three things: I am learning how to deal with it better (or am, and don't realize it yet), I already am as capable as possible to deal with it, or there is no assistance being given to me. The third is not acceptable, due to the previous assumptions. Therefore, we've have to accept the first - I am in some stage of improvement. If I can't see it, then I have to accept that it is occuring in a manner I can't percieve. The blind faith concern.
oopps - gotta go do some stew cooking, and work on a plant talk for my Master Gardner's group - talking to some people about winter gardening... yes, and if u really want, i'll prove it eventually as I remember it!
Okay, we are back to the "Invisible Improvement" - the 'increase' in knowledge. However, in my past and now, I get the impression that many denominations look at it as a continual process. No true epiphanies exist - one has just finally arived at the crux of understanding. (problem II). However, as a Christian, I must lean towards contiual improvement over spurts. If I don't advance, that is the devil keeping me down, destroying, making me blind to the knowledge and miracles there. (Further w/ prob II on ind. experience & 'epiphanies') Again, one must "see" these as they truely are - predisposed to this knowledge - so an excessive amount of subjectivity comes into play, since not every event is mutally a miracle for all. (then the well, god works in mysterious, you needed to see it arguments).
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{I realize this is becoming heavily philosophical vs. my moods and headspace, but again, not only is this truely the head space I am in, it shows some of the rational processes used to put into place various defenses against my disorder and the effects it has had upon me}
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Given the current position of developing or having the will and "strength" to handle my needs, the next point to consider is the interpretation of my situation, skills with their relative strengths, and my level of understanding of the "somethingness no one can understand". If this is true, then it is only my 'clouded perception' (uh -oh, getting some Zen qualities, you guys) that is causing me to not "handle" my situation better. In other words, accepting that Jesus/God will help me change perception of the inner or outer (or both) aspects of perception. From here, we either go into a more Gnostic (as in Zen Buddist like) view of reality (Nirvana) and the illusions of the flesh, or that something hinders ME - the qualities of the flesh. Origional Sin and Satan's distractions. (Is it so extreme to continue this, Christians, to say that Origional Sin distorts the perceptions, with Satan confusing our mind/heart? If that is the case, then our perceptions are incorrect? That the mind, body, or some combination of both is false?) Then what can you trust? Can you trust that what you sense, feel (emotionally) and believe to be the correct aspect of the truth, or even truth itself?
Once you have taken the leap past this point - through whatever combination of the rational and irrational you apply (I mean that philosophically, ppl!) - then one must come to the conclusion that the fallacy is within themselves, as Origional Sin teaches. The fact of this quality, this aspect of physical birth, causes my lack of understanding that I am somehow capable, will become better capable, and will eventually overcome the temptations and spiritual dificulties that this can place upon the believer's soul.
God/Jesus/Holy Spirit knows this, shows us the where and how, and helps us. Outside, through, inherently a part of the reality I exist in. Knows my thoughts. Knows my trials - the physical structure with which I am composed of.
Therefore, God has an understanding of the demons (sticking with the assumptions here, Satan is distracting me with these thoughts through the weakness of my disorder) and the inability I have to fight them. The need I have that I realize I am too weak to do this on my own.
The fact that I need to trust a unknown - something that despite all of you, can't be consistently and uniformily defined (why are there so many denominations and 'branches' within those denominations????).
Then not care if the break down is in my perceptions or understanding. What do I need to correct to understand what is going on around me in the common reality?
Finally, this leads to the conclusion (generally) that something else then must guide me, take care of me, do things for me. Not show me, not truely help my understanding, just do it. Fear of trust? no. I know that I can trust everything to be a certain consistency with possible variables. How do I trust what to do when is the question.
So, while this may not be complete, or even what I intended (I think I lost my train of thought more than once) I eventually came to this conclusion. The Christian Deity, as traditionally defined by the early New Testament Apostles, and a bit in the Apocrypha, HAS to know the how, what, why and when in my brain. HE MUST know and understand why I can't believe in the chaos. Why I see the chaos and find its pattern, the need for empericism, for methodical research, review, and further development of ideas and ideals.
That I'm predisposed to this. Predisposed to being a non-believing heathen. If it is as I think, then there is no "spirituality" - no soul, no afterlife, magic, supernatural, etc. out there. If not, then God knew my mind, and the demons it held. And how it had to become a psyche that couldn't believe to maintain it's sanity, it's desire to not end it's life at the end of every night as I came home from a religious High School. So God made me this way. Predisposed. Nothing thrown at me to be different. To perhaps, even been created specifically as one, to handle what the believers could not???
I really will post again soon on the weirdly highlighted sections. time to try to set the sleep cycle and go to bed soon. prob not, but we'll see.
