08 January 2011

Okay, obsessive weirdness.... vs. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

i got tired ot the shoe laces on my house shoes coming undone, so i gorilla glued them together...
to bad i had tied them so tight i can't get them off!! ;-P
(i can, just sounded goofy)

(im from friend)  lmao

they had them tied a weird way which kept them more consistantly tied, but they were so obviously unballanced in loop length...
one of the weird obsessions I have. Oh, should tell you this one -
when I drive over pedestrian path stripes on a road?
I have to swerve so I drive inbetween the stripes so I don't hit anyone... like stepping on a crack, I guess.  Otherwise I shiver and jerk for not doing it...
don't know how it started, but there it is!!!
i got plenty myself. Fortunately (or not?) most are very quiet an dminimal action, because of my parents not wanting me to be disturbing/disruptive/disrespectful.  I say unfortunate, because it would have been helpful for teachers to notice it and maybe help catch earlier.  I say unfortunate, because that hides a lot of my disorder's effects (the skills I learned to hide from parents) from society, so they freak out even more when they see the extremes, the outbursts I've lost controll of with the rational portion of my brain.

esp. the obsession of patterns, vs. an actual OCD
From National Institute for Mental Health:  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety.

Oh. Well, silly me. um, I really thought my pattern thing was just that. But by this definition it seems I really do have that. I do have obsessions - some of them less frequent than others, some of them through various degrees of ethical shadieness and even outright imorality, but when the occur, they ARE recurrent intensely through memories, thoughts, and reinterpretations of sensory input while trying to evauluate the current sensory inputs.
And those repetitive behavious? maybe not quite full compulsions - but I do count a shitload - no, that's more of a whole F load of the time in multiple patterns on the same thing and incoperating individual and mutual patterns between the "things" I am counting. Cleaning? I thought more of as habit from family history that led me to being 4th generation army.  But maybe so. maybe moreso than i thought.

Ooopssss - weird impulse for quick head insight....

heh - just to let you a peek inside my head.  Hormones raging, specific images of my love in unusual ways.  Images of brutal pain and suffering on generic non detailed and a few actual specific people before releasing back into the world...  thinking of planting a garden with someone, needing to step out of a volunteer group, need to study for my tests - replaying some of the football game, abstract facebook page with specific scrolling down of th profile pics, needing to shave for church in the morning, and a burst of adreanaline to pop back awake and write this.

sooooo.... guess it's bedy buy! brain de cided it has gone through the juicer and all that is left is vegetable pulp...

peace and blessings,

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.