24 January 2011

Turmoil at church - where I don't want it to be

Yesterday was a horible day at church, where I ended up feeling guilty for some of the things I spent money on for enjoyment.  Feeling horible for not remembering I bought Girl Scout cookies.  Second week of no one talking to me except for the two who initially invited me to the church, even when I try to initiate conversation.
Is it yet again the same thing over and over?  no matter what the group is, no matter their claims of acceptance and "unconditional love", they're still just a bunch of frightened, lieing, inconiderate, ignorant, weak humans that cant see the denial they are living in willingly, pulling thw wool of Satan's false cloak over their own eyes.

And Im feeling so overwhelmed from the guilt and despair of letharic attitudes taking hold more and more over the last few weeks - making me fall into that self-fullfilling cyclical madness of passive failure and hoplessness - feelings of unsuccessfully applying the rational logic to activate my irrational will and overcome...  NEED TO SUCK IT UP, DRILL!!!!

But im so... deep inside myself.  Not sure where I am. Not sure why I let thoughts keep going.
Want some habits to change... keep reminding myself - keep tryig to use the aspects of prayer for reinforcement. Trying intentional choice of different habbits to replace some... But then never us ethem.  FUCK ME!!! Why am I so weak and hopeless and even useless sometimes?  Unwanted?  Guess that's cause everyone sees the weird demon in me.

Need those arms around me. want to feel the warmth. Need to hear the heart, the breath.

Need my source of calmness and serenity.

peace and blessings cats!


1 comment:

Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.