Feel the burn. Right now, it seems as if I am in the middle of a nuclear explosion, ready to go into a state where infinity is something that got left behind. I feel as if the limits that exist on our rational mind are placed there by us out of fear.
I am trying to keep a focused portion of my mind here, at this post, with my hands connected to it. But my arms, my shoulders, torso, legs, all have a sensation like I feel when I go down the first hill on a roller coaster.
I remember, as a child, also feeling this way when I stole things. It was such a rush, a sense of power, of getting away with something which was supposed to be wrong. Somehow, I'm not sure, I rationalized it. Sometimes, in my early teens, there wasn't even a need for rationalization. I just did it. I guess it was the just the feelings that were associated with doing something that had been ingrained as being wrong, but at that second, I did not understand why it was wrong. Why should it? I wanted to do it - so I did. Now, it is quite different, but I have had so many life experiences.
Please help us understand how to act in this society, but also know that for a while, it has to be just purely an automatic response on our part. Teaching us how to understand and giving it takes time, but training hapens quicker. I still don't like a lot of things about this society, but I know that I choose to live here, there are certain rules and behavioral patterns. By default, I acept these, even if I don't agree to or understand them. Sometimes in mania, we forget. Sometimes, we do it just because society says it's wrong. Maybe, it's the guilt and fear of being caught that causes us to do it, too.
For that, I am extremely sorry.