No longer the rapid spiral

I received some news a few days ago, which normally would have hit hard and sent me over the edge of sanity, falling down and pulverize my insides in the pit of despair. Normally, after healing myself and telling myself to get up, I would dig myself another 12 feet under - ever faster sliding down into the depths of hate, anger, sadness, guilt - the utter emptiness of being completely alone (Is that why you guys have religion? The fear of embracing these emotions and the unknown they bring, whereas we are forced to see and experience the manic happiness and hellish pain daily?) and into the pain so cold that it is burns your heart, to the anger so hot it freezes your mind.
At least, nowadays, I have learned (although it was a struggle - so much was on my own, I had learned toto be a loner, and I had chased a few who could and would and still sometimes do {as much as great friends can} help me) how to place stairs as I slide down. Sometimes, if some of the stairs still exist, I actually get to slow the process down and change the gravitational constant so my speed increases at a slower pace the longer I do plummet down the tube of endless blackness. Or is it pure light - a light so bright, I have no direction, no sense of self? Either way, I have lost who and what I want to be, and lost my rational self, that it is all the same blackness of light - neither white, black, and definitely not grey.
Sometimes all colors exist, sometimes just the two above, sometimes only one of them. But never, ever, have I remembered seeing grey - there is always a hierarchy and organization FOR ME, but mine is not necessarily that of society' - there is one of my problems, and my next few thoughts I shall post later on.