21 August 2006

Feeling guilty about the visits...

First, I'd like to thank Kodeureum for the excellent timing of his post. I was getting ready to make this post of strange mixed states concerning visits with my child.
I am divorced from and my ex-spouce has primary custody. Twice a week we get together and hang out for a few hours, talking about stuff, doing crafts, playing games, having snacks, and the like. A few times a week we call each other and talk about our day.
Sometimes, things just don't go well, but we move on. We both suffer from something that isn't functioning quite right, giving us symptoms of a few disorders. For my child, it is considered a mix of Asperger's with (initially) ADD. They still believe that is the primary diagnosis, but I believe Asperger's with BiPolar for two main reasons. More cases of BiPolar than ADD with Asperger's has been recorded to my understanding, but moreso, I look at my child and see, hear, and gleem from discussion my thoughts, actions and feelings as a child near that age. I am so glad I am here for my child, and will and want to help them get a handle on things so much sooner than later, as with me. The balance between teaching, listening and just being a dad is a hard balance. Sometimes I'm the teacher, sometimes to protective. Maybe a balance between the extremes of unbalanced mixtures?

But then a sadness and guilt set in. Sometimes I become antsy, bored, or too manic to deal with people... sometimes, I can't deal with myself. Then it's so hard to be what he needs, when he needs it, how he needs it. I feel loss of stress when the interaction is over, but then shortly afterwards, I start to feel so guilty. A depression sets in, a sense of failure, of loss, of shirking my duties and resposibilities. But it has been a difficult divorce, tough seperation, and lots of bagage to overcome on both parts.
Through all of this, my child has been amazingly strong - stronger than I think I ever could have been at that age. I hope I can live up to his expectations, for then I will be something so wonderful - what he needs to become the best he can be, which I fervently hope is better than me.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.