20 August 2006

Forgetting that cocktail...

Sometimes I forget to take my "evening cocktail" of drugs - Depakote, Zyprexa, and Straterra. I have now been on them so long, that the next day, I can notice that there is a bit more of an edge to me, esp. with manic type feelings - the more rapid thoughts, slightly higher tension (mostly with pet peeves - they become more of an aggravation) and other aspects. Luckilly, my skills and ability to notice this is better, so I catch some of these symptoms and can "reinforce" behavioral patterns to stay more calm, or at least maintain the appearance.
But there still is the rapid, multiple thoughts that are difficult to maintain and follow to thier conclusion without having other things take my focus and cause me to restart the origional thoughts. The mind becomes more like a train yard with steam engines, diesel engines, and magnetic rails trains, all with different paths, speeds, and sometimes turns so sharp they jump the tracks. It becomes very hard to explain things to others, to deal with things not going exactly as I wanted, especially if something takes longer than I thought, for it feels that I am not successfull all of a sudden because I can't physically keep up with the mind. Despite the multiple thoughts and restarts, it still accomplishes and believes that more can be accomplished than I can get to as a result of minor things like trafic, people in line in front of me, extra paperwork, and the like.
Sometimes, I don't even like being tied to my drugs - it makes me feel so weak because I believe so much in "mind over matter"... and seeing the things that others accept or maybe don't even see "That's the way it is Mr. X". Why is it that way? Can we do it better? I think I see better, easier, more 'fair' ways that one becomes so frustrated with society. And with my lack of social skills and not understanding certain body language, taking phrases and such so literal, that communication is out the window (and to make it worse, when I do let the mania go a little, my mouth can't keep up with my thoughts, so words are mispronounced, new ones created, and such) making life so depressing.

It is important, if you want or need to be in this society, one HAS to take those things. Else, like in my case, my son, interactions become difficult. I know he needs me, needs my experience and understanding, and I need to maintain a consistant job, that I HAVE TO TAKE THEM!

Help your loved ones keep to their schedule, please. They may not notice it till to late, or not at all.

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.