I have come to realize that the past few weeks I have been in a serious mixed state. A mild sadness has enveloped me, but at the same time, there are bursts of energy , joy (near ecstatic joy) and a quirky kind of loneliness.
I feel alone, and I think at most times, I am. For who can understand me when I can barely understand the edges of the turmoil constantly within my mind? It's nearly impossible for me to be able to analyze myself with complete honesty, let alone when it's for such short periods? (My ability to focus and force such internal reasoning). If I can't do it, and am unsure of what to say, how to say it, or even remember or know to consider it relevant or not, it makes it difficult for others to help me. Not for lack of trying - just from lack of any coherent understanding.
This causes such frustration, and that frustration, if not careful, comes out to various degrees. Sadly, many people think this is directed towards them, or is a result of something they did. But it's MY frustration at not being able to connect properly. My frustration with the knowledge of how often this happens. My frustration at dealing with the consequences of not knowing how much I seem angry, or more often, that I seem angry at all to others.
It leads to a sadness - a fear that I have to be alone by myself. My hypo mania, while more controlled now than even 6 months ago, is still probably too much for a person to live with me, as a partner. I can, right now, struggle with having room-mates, and things are improving, but overall, I doubt - actually, it is one of the few truths that I believe in - is that I will never find anyone who can tolerate all of the miscomunications and "high maintenance" required for a relationship.
How can anyone? Are they always to question what exactly I'm feeling and then still have the mood even though I say it's NOT them? To deal with the outbursts, the crying, the general anger at the world, the depression that has no onset? Mix in the analytical and philosophical nature of my mind, and it becomes a bigger blender for them - the rotating mass of the black hole that is my Bipolar condition, flaring like a quasar at semi-random intervals...
I have a dream of peace, but forgot how to dream. I have a wish for at least the appearance of normality, but no stars are falling for me to wish upon.
To be normal, and not alone. That is both my greatest hope, and biggest fear - the blender of the mixed states, both rational and irrational!