25 September 2006

Pseudo Mania Boredom

This weekend I had what you might call a nice, "mellow" manic attack. The kind where you have some energy to do things, but not so bad as to where you can't stay on track. Did some of the excessive style anal cleaning we can get into, as well as re-arranged my room. Finished some plans for building a deck for a friend's father, and some reading.
Maybe not quite as productive as I would have liked - during the reading and some breaks I took I did allow myself to lose track of the time, but I didn't stress. That was really nice. Time sense was better than most times I have this type of feeling...a lot of the times 1 minute feels like 60, and I set the bar way to high on what to accomplish, which leaves a big feeling of stress and failure on my shoulders. But not this weekend! 1 minute only seemed like a minute - flowing by with a gentle pace that I could keep up with and alter my perceptions with so I know what's going on. Usually I feel as if I am being locked up in my head with a very intense need to freak out.

That's an awesome thing, to feel as if I actually completed something and was successful with my to do list. In massive mania states, even when things are accomplished, I don't feel as if I truly have - I always see more things to do with whatever I'm working on. And if it is something I built, I always feel a failure, no matter what. Even if other's compliment my work, or are happy with what I did for them, I still don't feel good. A sad, depressing thing, which is one of the ways, I guess, that I head into hypo-mania.

It used to be VERY hard to know where to set the bar on accomplishments and such, and to have it reasonable. It is also hard to listen to my companions, even the ones that are my "guides" with such things as 'typical' levels of accomplishments and the like during that time-frame. Sometimes it still is a bit hard, but I am getting better at dealing with it. It is a skill that comes slowly to someone who is used to thinking and moving at a few billion miles per hour. Such a radical switch on though processes...
Even now, I still don't know how much I truly like this new way - I miss the fire, but I don't miss the occasional explosions which lead to massive, Chicago style fires if I get excited and kick over my lantern of creativity....

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.