21 September 2006

Unusual People Feelings

Yesterday a co-worker came by with their days old child. Everyone else in the department felt the need to goo and gah over it, retelling stories about other new-borns.
It made me remember when my child was born - other than exhaustion from finals (I was just about to take them or had just finished them). I was joyful, but extremely apprehensive. I still feel that way sometimes around him - I don't know how to act, or what to say or do. I know that is a normal parenting thing. There are other weird feelings that mix into there, though. I am glad that he has shown promise, and won't be a drain on society - that he will be able to give something back in return for what he is receiving. I love him, and am going to make sure I give him all I have to help him be better than me, and to have an easier life than I did.
There are still these weird, somewhat anti-establishment, but mostly anti-social/paranoia mix that goes on. Many times I just don't want to connect, sometimes, especially when I'm feeling isolated, I do try, but I feel that most of the time I am going about it completely the wrong way. - it's like communication is a rut, which changes, swerves and warbles at various depths, but I'm always hitting small pebbles or pot holes and bouncing completely out of the rut, going into a fish-tail followed by several 360's and a roll or two. Taboos change so quickly, so many inflections and fluctuations of speech and body language that I don't get - I try to be literal, because I have realized I am so HARD WIRED that way, that I have to be. How else can there be a consistency in the communication? How else can one argue one's own points, views, needs, desires unless we all agree to the same conceptual language? And language is SO limiting - the concepts in my head are so large, so textured and pulsating with subtle changes of the shades and colored patterns... how can I understand it in colloquial language? It MUST be expressed in terms of accurate, precise measurements, definitions, so that all variations can be understood when compared to the ideal which has been expressed and held up to the flames of pervasive communal reality so that each and every single person can relate their own perceptions and understandings to the variations being expressed by the individual doing the communicating...

Maybe that's why I'm so screwed with talking and relating to others. I am in constant flux trying to understand THEIR variations, for I know that most don't do that, even if they are capable of it...
And being an anti-establishment, intellectual elitist, paranoid, overly analytical being, I have convinced myself somehow, that it won't work. In my depressed states, I blame myself exclusively. But it's mutual. We live in a "ME, ME, ME" society that can't comprehend that it needs to be as giving as it demands of it's individuals. Society is joint, and unless we have a true common reality, it's a true failure.

Wow, talk about free flow skewed thoughts... sorry they went into a bit of whining....

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.