Almost a full week since the last post. No, I haven't given up, just restricted access to the 'net, as well as a mostly depressed mixed state. Sad about a lot of things lately, and I am feeling lost and misguided by my own senses. It's a self induced haze of conflicting and confusing needs, desires, wants. I just can't make up my mind, so I'm depressed, then get angry at being depressed, around and around like the mad high speed merry-go-round with the screeching, howling calliope as it crashes to the ground.

I'm wanting to describe this confusion, but I almost don't care. I guess, that does start it - not caring at being run over by the multiple trains of thought - no matter what tracks I jump to, there is another train coming. Some are super-fast diesels, some are mag-rail high speed, and a few are the good ol' fashioned wood-burning steam choo-choos. Such a loud, twirling mess of confusing thoughts and feelings inside - burning, churning, screaming for release as they try to run me down and burst out of the skull and body that carries me around. I can think, don't want to work, just doing anything I can for my short term attention span....
Missing people and things; wanting comfort, sensual touch; needing friends but not knowing how to get them or keep them...
I don't know where I'm going - mentally, physically, or philosophically. I'm at a loss... I know, we all are at a loss sometimes. But I'm not used to it - there is always, and I mean ALWAYS thoughts in my head, many about what's going on around me, some about what's not. It's funny - I see and hear and understand stuff in my head, but there is so much, that I get confused or forget, and people don't think I understand nearly as much as I do. Sometimes, it's right, but most of the time, they aren't. I am seeing things, and respond, and since I've taken care of it in my head.... of to la-la no-attention-span-land!!!

Forgive this rambling - it's all I have in me right now. And it sucks - really, really bad. Imagine many TVs, Radios, and people talking to you, you almost get all of it, but if you don't get any of one of the inputs, then you or someone else will put you emotionally down...or physically harm you. That's the stress I feel a lot, trying to pay attention because somewhere, somehow, the common reality will bite me while I'm lost in something that I don't realize is a personal reality thing...