23 October 2006

Good Day!

The day has just started (effectively) and it seems to be a good day. Well, not an exciting day, but a good one none the less. I had an over indulging weekend (which I will explain in a note later) and seem to have recovered well.
I guess part of the casualness today is a slow day. It lets me be a little un-stressed from work, and so some of the other things that could stress me out haven't yet. Man, it is soooo frustrating having this massive need and desire to get as much done as I can (or even more), along with all the worries I have shouting in my head. (A confussing, mixed up mess that's blended into a perfect dip for paranoid-flavored chips.)
But today that's gone. It may also be the slight increase in meds (I'm allowed to adjust zyprexa from 2.5 to 5 mg per day), but it makes me feel uncaring if I do the 5 mg too often. So do I choose peace and tranquility with a heavy dose of lethargic apathy, or run the race with paranoia and an upbeat attitude? I wish I could find a balance of both.
Sometimes this is better than the swings, but I do miss the fire. Wish I could have both - but not experiencing the impulsiveness, the lack of contemplating consequences, the over-thinking, and the intense moods of paranoia, fear, sadness, anger, hate, joy, tenderness, in exteme amounts, is nice. However, the loss of creativity, the drive, and the fire to get things done, to set things right, to be organized for an easy life, this has disapeared to some degree, too. I don't want to be that way (overly organized), and it's so much work, but it needs to be done.

So today, in this nice neutral state, should be a wonderful day to get things done, I hope.

Peace to you all - and may it be a true, calming, happy peace.

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.