10 October 2006

Noisy Voices

It's a frustrating thing, hearing wind-blown voices fill your head with distracting noise. It's like someone is trying to shout my name, but I can't catch it with all of the sound. Similar to talking in a noise filled environment, it distracts, takes away from what's going on. It is really bad when it distracts you to the point of causing more stress - like not realizing how far you are from another car when you roll back and hit it - in your driveway!

It seems to be a manic thing, but there are other symptoms of mild depression - lethargy, boredom, a melancholy. But the speed with which I change from one thought to another, the things I want to get done, other things I forget about that I already needed to get done, the 'happy excitement' in my speech, the bursts of unexpected passionate feelings about something, all seem to be manic. Mixed states yet again? My Wonderful Life!!!!! (yeah, right.)

Then the voices come again, telling me how I suck at things I do, everything I do is wrong, watch out for people (like my paranoia wasn't high already), and shout my name to distract me. Then when they do (the noise), there is a laughter, and the wind comes back again with it's whisperings of failure. I wish they would stop - they are less with the zyprexa I am taking, but I still sometimes get them. A lot less, normally, but they still come on occasion. Must be the stress I am under.
I'm so blah-za, I can't even come p with much to say, even though the creative urge is still there- maximizing itself more and more to greater heights in an attempt to help overcome this. I don't know how I'm going to release the pressure, do it correctly and well, and safe to me in this society... but it must be done, and soon!!! (Great, more stress and paranoia of failure!!!)

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.