(song title by Jethro Tull)
Running across the thin ice, weather is getting warmer. Watching the ice melt into pools, soaking my shoes and socks as I try to run faster and faster across to the other side - the sane, more rational side. Watching the boiling water churn and boil, a turmoil of hot gritty sludge shearing the ice from underneath. Losing time, letting myself loose focus as I stare helplessly, foolishly at the designs the water creates in the cracked ice. Never enough time to view the creative visuals, to enjoy the chaos. I must reach the other side - faster and faster I run, slipping more in the slush, sliding ever more further and further away as I grasp at the brilliantly shining snow, like billions of little uncut diamonds, sparkling, creating beautiful rainbows and bursts of little 'starlets'.
Always moving faster than the world, never as fast as myself. Needing to catch up to be sane, needing to slow down to not get stressed creating an overly anxious and angry self at my failure to keep up. Caught in the ever changing blender - going slow and fast, twirling around, moving, but never accomplishing the actual goal: Slow down and stay afloat.....
I curse the manic fire, I miss the manic creativity, I laud the accomplishments, I detest the impulsiveness. But strangely, am not truly hating myself, yet. That comes after the guilt of failure, derived from the over-high standards of accomplishments that I set for myself.
Gotta slow down, and kick it into overdrive. (No, it isn't on e-bay either)