I've received a few comments about my previous hope post. I appreciate the supportive comments, and the heart-felt desires to overcome my current emotional state.
However I still feel hope is something that I can not have. Even if I try having a lower bar of success, or maintain a belief in something that I currently can not, I am still committing the act of hope itself.
THAT is where my troubles lie.
In hoping, there is a belief in not only change, but that the change (or effects) concerning a series of events is going to result in ways that you prefer. In the very least, you are desiring a result that is the least harmful to you in the given set of possible choices. Even this simple act is so filled with complexity, limited chaos, and a myriad of possible results that there already is a high bar set - a level of achievement by situations that you can not control.
For me, then, to even further toss out situations based upon the belief that whatever happens to me is for the best, for me to learn from and grow, is even a greater stretch of belief in the limiting of the variables into the highest achievable bar that there is - that the end result is the best. No it's not - I've seen many results where the short term, the long term (years) and even decades of end results not being the best. Of being results that I don't learn from. Results that occur again and again due to my impulsive blindness, fool-hardy emotions, and weak-willed rational mind.
Ahhh - epiphany? Is it because I have been so inundated with the "Mind over Matter" mentality, which I have absorbed, adapted, and utilized myself in a mildly effective manner has caused me to be cynical about hope? To become black and white in my sense of failure? Does my OCD-ish organizing mind need to see only yes or no, on or off formatting? Has my adaption of the basic premise of the Scientific Method (the 7 step procedure one) caused me to see only the wins and losses stored in my informational tree??
Hmm an interesting idea to contemplate for further external expounding (after the 5 or so voices finish arguing over it in my head....) :-)
Peace and Blessings