15 November 2006

I Hate Hope

Yep, I hate hope. Really do.

I was talking with a good friend last night, and I realized that I did hate hope. It's not that I want to be hopeless, or anti-hope, I just am.

Hoping for all the things I know I can't get.
Hoping for all the things I know I'll never have again because of screwing up.
Hoping that I didn't screw up.
Hoping that things don't go as bad as I fear.
Hoping that I have correctly interpred things.
Hoping I don't socially miss-act.
Hoping that all of the pounding pain will leave my head that's caused by the guilt, anger, frustration, fear, hate, absence, love, wants, dreams, anguish, and especially the sense of failure.
Hoping that the cycles of hope stop, so my brain doesn't have the daggers stabbing it any more.

Hope shows me an absence in my life, and brings forth feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and fear. It increases feelings I don't like, don't want, that I can't allow myself to have too much of, because then I loose control...
When I'm very sad, Hope is one of the most despicable things - it shows me how far away I am from my dreams; wants; needs for even a simple, basic life. Something unattainable - distant, spiteful, unwanted and yet so desperately desired and loved - I beg for it to come over, to warm me, only to watch it go further away and grow cold.
All the while I still faintly hope for some way out of this hate, this fear. Hoping for any touch, tenderness, mercy, kindness or truth is actual and there - something to show that there is a reality that I exist in and belong to.


I do wonder if I'm cynical because of it, or if I hate hope because I'm so strongly and constantly hurt by hoping? Is this why I'm so paranoid of people? Or did the Asperger's give me just enough "shyness" and social discomfort and cluelessness that lead to a sense of paranoia? Mixing paranoia with a distaste and distrust of society, the non-standard ways of social thinking and interaction, lead to the cynical and hope-hating feelings?
I hate my past - too many things beyond my control. So many things that I could have done with help had it been but known. Maybe that's why I hate hope.


  1. Wolvie, yes...I see where you're coming from about hope. I've felt that way countless times, but never put it so elegantly. There is ONE good thing about hope. When you've lost ALL hope, you cease to have a reason to exist. With just a glimmer of hope that things will eventually get better, you can take a step forward. I was so depressed in 2001 and the last thing to go was hope that anything would change. At that point, I was suicidal. Hope is all we have...

  2. I can identify with having gotten my hopes up over something, and then been let down. But I also think there's a difference between a hope and an expectation. You're probably conversant with Scripture, so you're familiar with the standard definition of hope as being an "earnest expectation" of things unseen, hitherto unknown...but that kind of expectation is all right because the hope is in God, and not in a false idea or power. The sense in which expectations are negative figures in Buddhism, and I think that when we attach ourselves to those kinds of expectations, that's when we are let down. Anyway, thanks for sharing.

  3. Maybe you're only hoping for the wrong things, Wolvie.
    How about changing your list to this:

    Hoping for the things that ARE within your reach.
    Hoping that you WILL succeed, by not expecting too too much.
    Hoping that you'll pleasantly surprise yourself.
    Hoping that things go better than you had expected.
    Hoping for the person inside you, loved by God - because He loves you, unconditionally.
    Hoping that others will see the person God loves.

    I am saddened by this post and just know that NOBODY should have to feel so bad about themselves.

    May God fill you with His love and help you feel better soon.

    Love, marja

  4. I have really gotten something out of your essay today...I will be linking to you in a bit. Come check it out if you have a chance.


Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.