Yep, I hate hope. Really do.
I was talking with a good friend last night, and I realized that I did hate hope. It's not that I want to be hopeless, or anti-hope, I just am.
Hoping for all the things I know I can't get.
Hoping for all the things I know I'll never have again because of screwing up.
Hoping that I didn't screw up.
Hoping that things don't go as bad as I fear.
Hoping that I have correctly interpred things.
Hoping I don't socially miss-act.
Hoping that all of the pounding pain will leave my head that's caused by the guilt, anger, frustration, fear, hate, absence, love, wants, dreams, anguish, and especially the sense of failure.
Hoping that the cycles of hope stop, so my brain doesn't have the daggers stabbing it any more.
Hope shows me an absence in my life, and brings forth feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and fear. It increases feelings I don't like, don't want, that I can't allow myself to have too much of, because then I loose control...
When I'm very sad, Hope is one of the most despicable things - it shows me how far away I am from my dreams; wants; needs for even a simple, basic life. Something unattainable - distant, spiteful, unwanted and yet so desperately desired and loved - I beg for it to come over, to warm me, only to watch it go further away and grow cold.
All the while I still faintly hope for some way out of this hate, this fear. Hoping for any touch, tenderness, mercy, kindness or truth is actual and there - something to show that there is a reality that I exist in and belong to.
I HATE HOPE
I do wonder if I'm cynical because of it, or if I hate hope because I'm so strongly and constantly hurt by hoping? Is this why I'm so paranoid of people? Or did the Asperger's give me just enough "shyness" and social discomfort and cluelessness that lead to a sense of paranoia? Mixing paranoia with a distaste and distrust of society, the non-standard ways of social thinking and interaction, lead to the cynical and hope-hating feelings?
I hate my past - too many things beyond my control. So many things that I could have done with help had it been but known. Maybe that's why I hate hope.