09 November 2006


It's a pain to walk the razor between obsessing on something and just being aware of it. It seems to almost take away the enjoyment to stay productive here at work, or I can enjoy the obsession and be completely unproductive and frustrated with being here.
So I'm stuck in the middle - constantly thinking about the subject that is distracting me, desperate to stay focused on work as I should, not get lost in overly overt anxious actions which may make me feel self-conscious, leading to possible mania. Such a series of small steps, but the tension, the excitement, the speed increases between each step. The steps even get smaller, going from huge long-jump style steps to a final step just a few tenths of an inch long - not much thicker than a hair.
Then the malaise sets in - because I can't focus completely on what I want to. Followed by a nervousness sets in thinking about focusing and being with what I want.... getting sick to my stomach, feeling mania flirt with my mentality. Energy, energy - tingling the skin, burning the scalp, making the eyes water. Rushing around in my body like the thrill from a roller coaster - burning more and more, faster, hotter, taking fuel from my future self to explode and cause both ends of the candle to sublimate into a searing light that blinds me to the sensory input of the experiences around me. Isolated, alone, but happy - nervous, yet satisfied.

Just so utterly confused, twisted, and contorted into a non-euclidean shape, thinking I'm happy ?????

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.