11 December 2006

Bluhk Day

Today is one of those sorta-kinda semi days. A minor apathy has settled over me, not one that is mentally depressing, but one that is physically depressing. The type of slow, down, worn out feeling you get when you might be fighting off a virus. It has been dark and damp for a few days, so I know that's it.
I just don't like this pseudo-procrastination I have. Things that I had planned that morning to do in the afternoon (or just sometime during the day) have become harder to accomplish, if at all that day. (Good thing it was a weekend!) Not that I didn't want to do them - I really wanted to reinforce my ASL that I'm learning, read some more of Gilgamesh, etc. But the difficulty to get motivated, like I was sick, with out being sick was a real pain... in... the... butt. It's disapointing, but not a strong feeling - not like the aggresive, low self estttem tension of failure and lack of total accomplishment that I might have felt before.

Maybe drugs are working. Maybe they are a good thing... maybe life is just too many maybes and I found one that's close to my balance. Lucky Me! Wish I could find one that's more in tune with my form of utopian groovieness, but I'll take this for now. It's not bliss, but it ain't a puss-filled crusty blister inbetween the toes of the plan-stomping chaos known as bi-polar irrationality (what I feel like I've been covered in off and on in my past).

Oh yah - made it several hours without a smoke, gonna see if I can go longer. Trying for a 6 or so break from it, and keeping myself to about 5 smokes or less a day. Right now I'm about 12-15, so some trials, but shouldn't be much. I think I'm finally ready to be ready to quit instead of just jabbering about it like a small candle light of an idea seen at the end of a mile long tunnel.

Peace and Blessings All

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.