18 December 2006

Christmas - bad times.

Christmas almost always means lonliness to me. Even with someone, except for one or two people so far, I have felt lonely. Not so much alone and seperated, just lonely. Everyone seems to be enjoying stuff and connected, and I feel just even more isolated. Especially as an adult - it seems I have to fake a more stable happiness, and to some degree a different personality. No one really seems to get me, so I have to pretend to be like them. Always me adapting to them - never any adapting to me or even some sort of compromise.

(People tell me it is hard to compromise with me - well, duh, all of you, I've never had any practice or anyone show me as a kid because they didn't realize or want to try to realize what was happening - I had to learn that it was my way or the other person's - I couldn't explain well and they had no idea that there was going to be a difference from their norm, so no compromising there. I had to do it their way, their way only.)

This year again, I notice my lonliness. Especially since the girlfriend I had a few years ago is going through something like this - her new boyfriend is leaving in about a month. What a confusing mix of emotions that is for me - but the primary one is pain for her sense of lonliness and hurt she is feeling and will feel more. Knowing some of those depths and edges of such pain, I really worry and hope for her. That also reminds me even more though. Mrs Brown Eyes doesn't seem to be as quite interested in me as I am in her. Despite that, I still have no one to hold; no one to show tenderness, care, concern, joy, or pain with - no one to just sit and exist with - to share time, fun, games, new things, each other's intrests, shared intrests...

Just a lonely old guy in a season of sharing...

Hope you all have someone!!!!!!

Peace and Blessings

1 comment:

  1. Wolvie - another psychiatrist told me he has patients that see him only during the holidays because of depression. I, too, feel loneliness during the holidays, even when surrounded by people. They're not MY family, you know? I've actually spent a Thanksgiving all by myself in the past.

    I'm just trying to say...you're not alone...


Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.