Yesterday someone gave me a really cool compliment while I was on the verge of intense nervousness/freaking out over our department Christmas luncheon. Had to stay away from everyone at the group of tables and sit far away at my desk. Felt comfortable at the desk - I don't think I would have at the luncheon. All of the Christmas stress with no money and etc. was freaking me out, too. (Work hours have been really cut - almost half time).
Anyway, I was told I was a really nice guy. I guess I had a weird look. I told her it was something I work on, but I feel that I'm not always nice. The weird things in my head, the anger that explodes, etc., makes me feel that I have to work at being nice and friendly.
However, it still was an excelent feeling to know people are seeing me that way, and that I am succeeding to some degree on maintaining an even keel that I want - more peacefull, a little less chaotic, and pleasant. To be that way, I need to be nice and pleasant to others - not only to maintain the mood, but I am convinced that is going to be the only way, if any at all, to have others nice to me.
(mood and attitude switch)
It seems this society doesn't really care about the inside - otherwise, the small percent of us who have differently wired brains wouldn't be outcasts, but looked at with a little more compasion like those with a weak heart, bad circulation, or even in some cases, like a benign tumor. This society likes the way things look, not the actual substance. How else could we sell so much throw away and veneered stuff as being 'real'? (One of my pet peeves - pressed wood with a hardwood veneer is NOT true solid hardwood - there is glue and minor traces of other particles.) So yet, once again, we have to bend to the majority - who is blind, narrowminded, limited, not as creative, automatically conforming sheep - instead of reaching a compromise. And as for being given the equal opportunitie that I protected as a 4th generation enlisted army personal in my family? Who the hell in this country really gives that? They're willing to take it, and keep it all. Who needs compromise? We all do, but so few get even a small portion of what they need, let alone anything of what they want.