29 December 2006

"Who Can It Be Now?..."

I heard Men At Work's song: "Who can it be now" this morning. Made me think of how I am becoming very nervous about what I am going to do tonight. In order for growth to have a possibility, change must occur and stagnation must be destroyed. Yin for Yang. Chaos must occur.
Therefore, I'm forcing myself to go out. Yep, increased angst, possible paranoia, isolation, feelings of rejection by the social group, etc. Very nervous, very anxious about it all....
I'm going to a bar where some friends sometimes go, then I am going to go dancing and hope to be able to loose myself in it for a while (minor chance for the demons to express the intensity of their emotions, if not actually get out), and maybe go play pool.

Then there's Brown Eyes. How do I proceed? Should I? Why am I so insecure, so full of feelings of insignificance and stupidity? Why am I unsure of what others think and feel from their body language?

Man, life is just too much. Time to go back home and go to bed. Sleep for a few months, and perhaps the situations are gone, and I can wallow in the self pity of the inactive procrastinators, but know, deep down, that fear will always keep me alone. Fear of being wrong, of mis-interpretation, of being rejected and isolated for reasons beyond my comprehension. At least if I procrastinate, sleep, and ignore, it's gone, and then I can just suffer the guilt of self failure and self loathing of the qualities I have which I hate in general - hypocrisy, procrastination, weak willed ineffective actions against change, not taking opportunities for mental and physical growth.


  1. Many bipolars (I read this - trust me, I never would have figured this out on my own) think that the feelings related to being bipolar, the chemical imbalances they (we) have, are a sign of weakness in their character. I fall victim to this as well. Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember you have a chemical imbalance that you're trying to stabilize, and be very gentle to yourself. You're not weak! You DO have willpower! We were just born with brain dysfunction. So don't feel guilty...treat yourself to something nice - you deserve it! :-)

  2. I used to feel like you do about social situations. It helps when I think about the people I meet and express a sincere interest in them.

    People are not going to be watching you and judging you nearly as much as you think - if at all. Just have a good time, ok? Don't think so much within yourself but try to be, enjoying the people you're with.

    I know it's not such a good thing to give advice. Hope this advice helps, but doesn't annoy you.

    I wish you the best.


Please feel free to post a comment!

These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.