I heard Men At Work's song: "Who can it be now" this morning. Made me think of how I am becoming very nervous about what I am going to do tonight. In order for growth to have a possibility, change must occur and stagnation must be destroyed. Yin for Yang. Chaos must occur.
Therefore, I'm forcing myself to go out. Yep, increased angst, possible paranoia, isolation, feelings of rejection by the social group, etc. Very nervous, very anxious about it all....
I'm going to a bar where some friends sometimes go, then I am going to go dancing and hope to be able to loose myself in it for a while (minor chance for the demons to express the intensity of their emotions, if not actually get out), and maybe go play pool.
Then there's Brown Eyes. How do I proceed? Should I? Why am I so insecure, so full of feelings of insignificance and stupidity? Why am I unsure of what others think and feel from their body language?
Man, life is just too much. Time to go back home and go to bed. Sleep for a few months, and perhaps the situations are gone, and I can wallow in the self pity of the inactive procrastinators, but know, deep down, that fear will always keep me alone. Fear of being wrong, of mis-interpretation, of being rejected and isolated for reasons beyond my comprehension. At least if I procrastinate, sleep, and ignore, it's gone, and then I can just suffer the guilt of self failure and self loathing of the qualities I have which I hate in general - hypocrisy, procrastination, weak willed ineffective actions against change, not taking opportunities for mental and physical growth.