Relationships

Really like making new friends, but am always afraid of doing it, for I fear I will chase people away rather than keep them. That has seemed to be the tendency for most of my life. I think I have learned some new skills to deal with this and the proper social interactions, but then there is the nervousness of the success of these skills. I still notice some tendency towards mania as I work on these new relationships, and wonder, (with my low self esteem paranoia) if I have still gone to far to fast.

Always tweeks me out after I set up something to get to know someone better. I always wonder how I acted, how they interpreted, etc. Makes for a wishy-washy stress level to occur - I'm walking the edge to not stress out about stressing out. Knowing that's foolish to be there at that mental point, but also feeling good that I'm recognizing it and somewhat rationally in controll.

Then comes along someone that I really want to hang out with, to get to know much better. Their personallity, manerisms, history, all are interesting to me. Enticing me down a path - a path of seeking knowledge, joy, excitement, sharing. Too much too fast, and you loose them. Too little to slowly, and the same. Where is the Balance?

I guess that is the ultimate question and focus of relationships - what is the balance and where is it maintained? Only after I maintain mine, can I find the other. Balance begets acomplishments and peace. Balance maintains the semblance of standard social actions and interpretations that one needs for relationships.

I'm close, but still searching....