I had a few nice comments about the previous post. They also made me think - it does seem like it is a self-centered, possible narcissic, but definitely egotistical sounding, thinking that I may be in such a spot light.
Well, in a sense, true. But the spotlight I imagine for myself is only about the strength of a night-light at half power. I don't think every one is looking at me, wondering about me. But when I am in a group interacting? YES, they are. When I step up to that bar I so forced myself to go out to and loose myself in pool playing, any one of those COULD HAVE BEEN.
I am just so tired of the evaluations people make superficially. Don't judge a book by it's cover? Hah, this society judges a partially written book purely by the imagined color they have of the picture that just might be on the cover designed by an unchosen artist? (In other words, for the less prosaic, people judge purely on their own short term interpretations of their past based upon their own motivations without the capability to consider other options- i.e. even dumber than the sheep and cattle blithely walking to their death in a calming curved chute)
(NOT a slam on Ms. Temple)!! Just an anguished view of society and the average level of intelligence perpetuated by the machine for itself)
I tire of this, of worrying about destroying a good (or better) relationship that I have now, of loosing a chance to start a new one, of wondering why I can't understand this mass of beings, who have, despite differences, begged for a social uniformity and sameness of images, while at the same time creating an elitist structure in an attempt to keep the masses feeding, supplying, and taking care of a small group... Hmm, just like the people in the past did with their offerings of food and money to their deities -
I hate the world lives in fear of it's own uniqueness, that it must hide behind conformity. Why is it so afraid of one of it's most unique abilities? Hell, this truly may be the only one real gift we have - imagination. The ability to make skewed connections, take different concepts, ideas, thoughts, and things we have experienced to develop new ideas, techniques, and concepts. To be able to pass these on and constantly improve ourselves.
But that would be too much work for 80% of the population, considered an uprising of terrorism by the top 10% financially, and for the 10% who try, we are usually crushed out of ignorance, hate, and lack of tolerance for any portion of the truth we may try to bring.
That is why I am afraid of going out. That is why I worry and feel everyone is looking even though I don't. It may be why I get bored after a short while, even with friends - of why I end up home feeling sick. Social ills are too much for my poor constitution to handle, too powerful for my will to want to hold so that my sense of social justice can have the energy it needs to confront the large, apathetic masses.