16 January 2007

Sadness from my child

A few nights ago, my child had the explosive, non-communicative rage that Aspergers children can get into. I can relate, having had many irrational anger explosions myself, and sympathise with the inability to communicate the unique world inside the head with the typical thought patterns of others. It really made me sad to experience it, even though some of the actions did make me angry. To a degree, it was nice to be able to controll the anger because of what I rationally knew.

But it hurts to see my child get so out of controll, because I understand, I believe, better than most about the loss of self inside that confused head. I truely wish I could help. Sometimes when I do, I overwhelm them - I'm trying to help by giving some ideas that work for me, and sometimes cut of a strong mood shift, but that can intensify problems as much as help.

To see him throw his favorite toys, to see him lose them as part of his known consequences, his stuffed animals, game cube, favorite books, some small toys, new things. I know he's lashing out, as does his mom, but they also needs to know the consequences of destruction. My child MUST know, before I learned! I have lost so much money, items, friendships, jobs, and parts of self as a result of those explosive anger outbursts.

We are, of course, working with Dr's and groups to help out. But the help is always more for the others, or to "teach" us how to "behave"... training us like dogs to be the pets of the society that pretends to care for people, and lies about embracing differences. So I just play their game - and hope to learn how to teach my son before he has to do it all on his own.

I love him, but I wish my genetics never went into him. I should have stopped this curse in it's tracks... But maybe he can overcome the impulsive 'sins of the father' and make a better life for himself than I have been able to so far.

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.