30 January 2007

So tired...

I know I haven't posted for quite a while. Work has finally upped it's hours (but I'm on a lower paying project, so it doesn't end up being much more...) had to give up Solequoel (Sp? don't have it with me) because I still couldn't get to sleep early (even when taking the pill around 7:30 - 8:00, more than 2 hours before normal bed time) and it still made me sleep till 9:00 or so, and not get going till about 10:00. When I worked 10:30 - 4:00, it was fine. Now, I can't. Going to call the doctor, but I don't think I can take it.
Tired of not having full hours at work. Tired of friends who borrowed for a few days to become a few weeks. Tired of still waiting for a room mate to pay me several hundred in bills. Tired of a job that just seems so boring at times. However, it is an environment that puts up with some of my 'quirks' - no where near as bad as when I'm completely unstable, but I am never really stable, I think.

Being tired like this also makes it easier to be in mixred states - trying to get things done to feel good about yourself, but at the same time, down on yourself with large amounts of guilt from what you think are previous "mess" ups.

(man, I'm really, REALLY bored at work....) Ooopps, finally something to do...

The toughest time is at night, in bed. Even with a TV or a light on, the lonliness, the seclusion, the emptiness of the bed reminds me of how alone I feel - of how there is so much for me to still overcome with my disorder, how I need to constantly focus, how I need to quit being impulsive. I still am, I still do these things - it becomes an endless circle of hate about how I think and feel sometimes. The complete lack of controll over myself. I am responsible for my own actions - I must and try to take that responsibility, but if it had never happened? Less stress, more money, more time, definately more joy and peace.

Perhaps I can get on a regular plan tonight - I have been meditating again and it is showing some signs of helping. Just trying it lets me at least physically relax.

Still don't know if and how much I work each day. I know this is a major factor. Missing my child, glad last night I got to see my child and things went wonderfull! Must call and tell them what a great time I had! It does me good to know he could be better off than me.

One celebratory note: I have been at this job 2 months longer than any other!! YEA !!!

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.