02 February 2007

I'm Back...

Well, I'm actually back. Had the chance to go home early, rest & sleep, and gain a bit of balance. Don't know if I'm "stable", but I am in a 'steady-state' of minor depression...
Things I guess aren't as bad as they seem, I am just very stressed - had a car accident, we are behind in rent from a room mate and are riding the edge of being kicked out, I worry about work performance and my income, and I am fighting this bored, distracted, and uncaring state of mind here at work. I hope it's a quick day - I can't even go home right after work, either. I have a person's house to go visit, and set up a day/time to go to their house to clean.
Now I have to work and try to seem like I care, so my performance isn't too bad. YUK!

Got a pause from our application being empty with it's "needs to be processed" folder, so I got a few seconds. Been listening to Sweet, Mud, Wall of Voodoo, and feeling slightly manic. Yup, Mixed State Blender Frenzy !!! Twirling around in a massive whirlpool of emotions, thoughts, and imagination (along with weird disassociated memories popping up like some bad allergic reaction that's leaving me hives) waiting to be sucked down and hit the pretty, whirling blades that will release this pressure inside of me like billions of tons of nitro going off instantly - as in 0 second delay between ignition and full energy release. Hitting that quantum state where all the sub atomic particle are changing unexpectedly into possible energy/matter balance states, but more chaotic and random than ever expected, falling way out of the bounds of practical predictability based upon past similar events with such highly reactive elements. So chaotic and disorganized, it becomes untracable for future understanding and attempting to keep the info so I might remember where I end up next time. It's just, again, a complete loss of some of my higher function's efficiency - memory, logic & math, utilizing words to express the concepts in my head - the pain it gives my skull, how it causes me to tense even more than normal and have a massive headache. Whine.
Should be used to this, but it is unexpected - it has happened less and less over the years since I've been more stable. But when it does come, it happens quicker and a little stronger than I am used to anymore, so it can be a hard battle to win back the universe of sanity.

Okay. Back to boogying to KC and the Sunshine Band!

Peace, all. May steady-stae realities be yours!

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.