I guess this isn't really an uncommon thing for me. This feeling that rides the line between apathy and just barely caring I'm apathetic. Almost always starts off with being moderately bored or in mild chronic pain.
In the last 3 weeks of work, I've tweaked my back a couple of times. Normally not a big deal, but when I've a few herniated disks, and I believe I have arthritis in there (family history with discussions with my dad about physical changes and events that set of pain), it makes for a longer healing time. Finally got around to some stretching and strengthening exercises, but the pain right now makes it hard. I believe its one of those suffer-pain-to-get-rid-of-greater-pain things. It just sucks. Yeah, I know, just a bunch of whining.
Want to take time of from work and try to get to a doc, but this wonderful company makes you wait a full year from your start date to be able to use vacation, sick or get into insurance. Guess that they have too much of a turnover. (I know the CFO can't validate spending 20,000 for a new tool, but she can come bitch at us for how many times "WE" break this multiple year old tool that has already broken several times and was brought used. I bet that stupid bitch has NEVER bought anything 'uses' lately). At these incomes and overtime and demanding you to work overtime a few hours before it starts, I'm not too surprised. I mean hell, the only reason I'm staying for a while is to get the sick/vacation pay, and see how sincere they are with putting their money with their mouth when both supervisors and customers come and personally give me compliments on both quality and quantity of work. Then I'm trying to jump too a few higher end type landscaping companies.
Maybe that's the other problem. I see no true end at this place - just keeping me at stupid labor levels, pretending they want my education and skills when all they want is to pay for a cheap laborer - they don't give me enough time at any place to do true, full maintenance. No time for dead-heading, minor trims, full checking of plants for insects or pathogen symptoms, etc.
"Just pull the obvious weeds and go. You'll be there next week. We don't have time to do all of that". FUCK THEM.
I'll do what I've been trained and educated to do - that IS what a "Gardner" does. That's my position. All of that is in my job description. So that way, when they fire me, I can present that to other places. I know that to a certain degree, people who do know what to do pity me for working with such a superficial company. Damn, I am sure learning the short cuts, and what to look for when construction companies repair (or ya, ha ha, build my house) more that I thought.
(I've been a remodeler for about a year).
So, all of that together adds into my apathy. Makes me really not want to work. But I guess I gotta. I need the money. I need to look stable. I need halfway decent references. Hope I can get past this today. Hmm did I take my meds last night? That may help a bit too from going too deep today. But 9 to 10 hours of indifferent work. Maybe I can get through today and make this week work. Don't know.
Getting tired and depressed now. So down about how I feel with this job. So sad that something that turns me on so much still sometimes isn't enough when I think of where I work, what they consider quality, how they would rather take chances on people doing some overtime versus hiring one extra person to help out. But shit, their cheap ass mowers still started more than me, I think. I know this November, especially if I have to argue about shoveling snow with this back problem AGAIN this year (I am not going to cover for younger do less than their share lazy ass 20 year old shits) there is going to be resumes e-mailed out. The company wants people like that? Groovy. Their going to loose people like me, and get an excellent source of anti "current company" free advertisement for their lack of quality and care for employees.
Bad mood coming on. Yea.