Guilty Impulses, yet again

Getting those impulses to do something, especially that which I think might take me back to my old self, so stupid. Giving into those demons of waste, self loathing (for having a weak will), lack of foresight (hey, slow down and think idiot!! remember what happened before?), and just plain idiocy (what a big demon himself, and how easy to give in).
Wasting time doing chores, other things that I enjoy, things for my health, etc. Saving money to recover from bills, saving for my child, just having to do things with him. I HATE MYSELF and my weakness.


Ending in the sadness of failure, washing over the joys of past successes. Yet even in the failure, I succeed in the sense I am over it, and am now using it. I am not necessarily learning, but adding strength to the walls and fences I build to keep the demons and nothingness away - that colorless, emotionless, thoughtless wonderful place in the middle of nowhere.

A place, which even though many others would be afraid, I know the peace of seeing them there when I visit. I need to visit, to know I am truly NOT insane, but in charge, brave, powerful. Will YOU go there with me - to the depths of you inner self - those places you shove things and deny that your in denial of their existence?? I think not. But I know the way there and back, traveling so many times I have forced a straighter, safer path out of the sociopathic quirks found in one's "soul". Mine may be more convoluted than yours - but is your path as relatively safe and straight as mine?

Can you start down the stairs to the basement and go to the junction box to check the breakers? Have your own built in flashlight? I walk in the dark, eyes and ears open, mind filtering, and bring the blind back. Can't give them a reason yet for why the electricity shorted out, even though I know a bit of theory and a lot of practical understanding. I still haven't figured out how to translate the ideas, images, and the description of the "forest" to help them understand the tree that I am detailing to them. Too much info? Too little info?

What the hell am I rambling on about???