24 November 2009


I just had a very interesting conversation with someone. Their insight was quite amazing. Actually, extremely wonderful and fantastic! It put me at the highest plane of my thought - not tons flying in skewed, irregular, detached patterns, obsessing over everything and nothing, but focused. As well as can be - many thoughts, moving faster than typical, but all centered on and near the same thing. Then her insight came. Almost made me remember my epiphany.

Something about how faith and patterns don't quite mesh. That in my irregularity, I needed to see what underlying patterns were. How I related to them, how the general population related to them, and what ways I should adjust to attempt to match what was going on. In that, I saw too much inter-relation between culture, geography, history, and religion. It was a part of humanity, but I saw it in a more, epistemological (?) manner, one in which it was part of the quest of humanity for survival of species, of self, of trying to understand this thing of self-awareness. So subjective - but statistics, math, physics, to (in my mind) a slightly lesser extend chemistry, was much more objective. Science had other people double checking yourself, supposedly in a helpful (childhood naivety on the attitude of man) constructive way. To show an error of testing, recording, processing, or to find similar results. I needed that.
Then the hypocrisy and political crap of adults at a Religious High School. The hatred, humiliation, isolation, and ostracizing I felt at that school. THESE are Christians? THIS? Oh, I get it. I'm holier than though, so I'm better, so I "appear" correct and acceptable, hypocritical BULL MOTHER FUCKIN SHIT. ASSHOLES. So much pain from those 4 years.
Dont think the last 25 have been even half as bad with two divorces, lovers lying about for better or worse, suicide attempts, cutting, self hatred, hallucinations, being used, lied to, stolen from, breaking my own rules, not following my own beliefs, living in denial of who I was, being lost in various altered states, I don't know all what else. But that's been easier than that High School. So I guess, in a way, it did prepare me for life. Huh. If the principal who was there had only truly known his prediction...
I wish he had been wrong.

But now, interestingly, faith has come back into view. At least the epistemological aspects of it, the ethics of it (from it's metaphysical perspective if necessary). Big Yawn. (huh - I typed that cause I did yawn, but left it cause it's kinda funny)
The Insight: Perhaps the need for trust, the inability to be confident in my senses, the complete lack of experience with consistency - well, I guess you could call irrational chaotic thoughts consistent when that's all you have - no new tale t tell... ahhh.... loosing it. um, oh, the blindness doesn't scare me, it's that the trust can't be there for me yet because I can't trust myself. My memories. My thoughts. Some of my desires which go absolutely against my beliefs. The fact I had all of this no matter what religion, no matter what belief. No matter how much I think they may be accepting of me. No matter my desperate need to feel wanted, to feel needed, to feel RESPECTED. I can't trust. People, myself, or a god.

I just hope it realizes the truth of my statement when I tell it "YOU made my brain this way. Impossible to believe." Almost scares me too, sometimes, that I might, just might, have been an intentional test for others, a predestined heathen. Then what? I was made to suffer for eternity? Along with all the others who didn't hear about the need to trust in Jesus? especially the part about him being the last sacrifice and you don't need to nor are able to follow the Old Testament? Then here goes the rant against hypocrisy and lack of equality.

And I fought to defend the Constitution for all of you. But you forget me just like you spat on my dad for following his duty and threw shit at my grampa for following his, and great grandpa. But I was ready to protect you and your interests. Just like this war - we may not agree with all of the motivations, or believe them true, but we still go and serve, because that was what we agreed to do. Men of Honor, you superficial lying bastards!!!!!!!

No, I don't get the direction of this rant either. maybe all the little things bothering me just became giant mountains or some shit, I don't know. lost, dazed. confused. ah man, the mania gone. crash, sad. so late. must do habits, must take meds, must take sleepy med. need liquid. food... forget food. too much work. too much maybe just fade away, after burning all of my fuels...
damn. there really is a hell of a crash right now from a really groovy high.

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These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.