26 November 2009


Typical Holiday
Right now.  Had fun, but it's gone.  Seems fleeting.  Was it just the "oh, we're supposed to be nice n happy and it's easier to be friendly partial party"  [oops, scuze me.  volleyball on tv.  glad I know how to type so well...  I'll be able to fake it, and not let u know how distracted I get...]  I feel my lonliness again, more so, now that I had a glimpse of what others experience in companionship.  But it seems never to be truely shown to me the same as it is to others, as sincerely, as often.  One could say that it's just poor perceptions, but i've had enough 30+ years experience and explanation and discussion with trusted third parties that I know it's closer to my viewpoint than not.  Just feels dull and a little flat.  More of a poignant feeling, but one that I am afraid will build more and stronger as time goes onward through the weeks.
Fighting impulse buying right now.  May or may not...  mmmm, tall-ish, slender athletic females...  [yes, hormones raging for a few days now.  a major, constant thought pattern that just wont stop.  used to that obsession, so can partially direct, but it still causes a tiny pause in things]

Well, I guess we'll see what it brings.  I will have some entertainment with an examination of the psychological aspects and ramifications of faith and empericism, types and levels of trust, subjective and objective sensations (with just a bit of self examination on denial and schizoidyness).  Should be fun, will keep you updated.  I may just be discovering fear.  That is definately my most hated deamon.  I've haven't lost more to any other (and I've lost a LOT) or multiple ones, for that matter.  What a shame on how i've waisted opportunities, knowledge, even joy by accepting the assured and constant pain of weakness...

hope u actually found something to be thankfull for, instead of feeling guilty about seeing those around you as tools for personal satisfaction and hatred of those with superior technology and greater numbers being so ignorant and petty in their expression of humanities finest skill:  self rightous murder born from self centered inconsideration.
These are the thoughts and feelings as they happen. The subject matter and verbage may be of a more mature nature, and may be considered sensitive by some. In respect for that, I shall try to remember to give headers (with some space before post) and attempt to just "suggest" sensitive verbage.

Peace, Blessings, I hope this can help some.